SILENCE

I don’t even want to talk about the last two weeks.

 

In fact, I couldn’t even talk about them if I wanted to.

 

Just over two weeks ago my body began to shut down. For some reason, sleep was my best friend and I couldn’t get enough of it. Total exhaustion consummed me. I felt like something straight out of The Night of the Living Dead. Literally, just going through the motions of work so that I could just lay back down and go to sleep again.

 

Finally, my energy crept back into my body, but then at the begining of last week I was hit with the flu. I was out cold. After recovering for  a couple of days I felt better, only to discover that I had no voice. At this point, I am beyond frustrated. My job requires me talking to people. Being sick for two weeks makes for a lot of calls piling up that I need to make and no energy, strength, or voice to make them with.

 

Then I began to think.

 

I thought about the places and people that I saw during my time on the race. I thought about how many of them don’t feel like they have a voice. How many of them live everyday with a sickness and I am upset over two weeks. How for some of them it is a struggle just to breathe.

 

The past two weeks has been a physical manifestation of my walk with the Lord. There is no walk. I haven’t been seeking him at all. Actually, finding time to fit God in is more of a thorn in my side, then the refreshment that it should be. That zombie like demenor, where I am just walking through the steps of being a christian, but not partaking or observing things around me. I am just doing what needs to be done. I am not proud to say any of this, but it is the truth and I am sure many of you can relate. Then I think I am all better and the toxins (lies, doubt, disbelief) had their tole and I had to get them out of my body. It was a taxing process, but something we have to go through in order to start anew. Over the past few days, I have fought the silence. Even though I know I can’t speak, I try to anyway and someone may catch about every fourth or fifth word that I utter. Then they guess and what I was trying to say and it is wrong. It is annoying.

 

I think God feels that way about me a lot when I am not fully in my walk with him. He is speaking to me, but since I am not fully present in the relationship I only catch a few words in an entire conversation. Then I guess at what he is trying to tell me and it turns out that I am wrong.

 

I should take the lack of my voice as a gift to hear more of the Father’s voice and heart for me.

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