I’m writing this from a double decker bus. We’re en route from Thailand to Cambodia. Chiang Mai to Bangkok, more specifically.
It’s 2am and I was just awoken from a dream after an hour of sleep. In the dream, I was at a beach park (maybe in Cali), hanging out with my old roommate Brittany and her boyfriend Grant. Brittany got this idea that she should climb up this tall, swaying dinosaur statue and balance on it. The dream felt pretty realistic since she actually is from Cali and likes to challenge herself with physical stunts.
Our friend Natasha was there too, “spotters ready?” Arms up, we were both ready to guide her if she falls, but instead of falling off, she gracefully dismounts with a front flip (also not unlike her actual self) and I end up catching her as she lands.
We laugh and the four of us start to walk away. A lightbulb clicks and I’m like, “okay now I wanna do it.” I want to climb on the thing and dismount in the coolest way possible. They’re like “why, we should just go. Let’s just go.” They know I’m in over my head, which just makes me want to prove them wrong even more so.
That’s the end of the dream. I awake before climbing the dinosaur. I was going to pretend the dream didn’t happen, so I could fall back asleep. It’s still 2am and we have another day of travel. I’m sooo tired.
That’s when I feel God saying, “write this down, I’m trying to teach you a lesson.“
I dream a lot and can usually feel if it’s from God or not. He’s given me the gift of dreams and revealing things to me through those dreams. But if I fall asleep right after He shows me something cool, I miss out on the revelation.
So, I’m thinking about what God’s trying to show me and I realize that sometimes in the unguarded moments of spontaneous fun, I get into this competitive spirit.
I stopped being a competitive person at 16 when I finally lost what seemed to be the final match (my boyfriends loyalty) against my best friend. You can read my blog titled “I Don’t Need You” to hear that story.
So why is competition a bad thing for me?
I’ve always remembered wanting to win or prove myself. I remember thinking, “I have to win. I have to show that I’m just as good as Justin.“
Growing up, my dad treated my brother and I as equals. I got a bike for Christmas, so Justin got a bike for Christmas. Justin got a rifle for his Birthday, so I got a rifle for my Birthday. And so on…
Justin is two years older than me, but when Dad left the house he’d say, “Okay, watch each other. Look out for each other.” Instead of the families you see on TV where the dad tells the older one, “watch your little sister.“
In some ways my confidence was probably elated by about two years (and from growing up fast with our independent upbringing.)
Overall, everything was meticulously fair and I liked it.
Then, every other summer my world would be rocked when we’d fly to the mainland to visit my mom.
All of a sudden, we were on a whole new system. Justin gets to sit up front, because he’s tall. He gets to do more stuff, because he’s older. He gets extra stuff, because he asks. I wasn’t a fan of the summer time system.
Looking back, I can’t say one is good and the other is bad, there are pros and cons to both, but somewhere along the lines of my childhood, I began to see Justin as my competitor. In my mind, if he had more, then he was winning– which meant I was losing.
The majority of the scars on my body are from times I was having fun and it turned into a competition, so I did something ballsy and reckless and got hurt.
Right wrist, age 5, I climbed up a baseball fence, because Justin did it and looked like a boss. My wrist got caught on the wire at the top and it didn’t unhook and let me fall until I was hanging by the skin and it broke through.
Left foot, age 6, climbed down into a storm drain, because I was hanging out with Justin and the boys and someone dared someone to take the manhole covering off and climb in. When Kyle Malis pulled me out, the top of my foot got caught on the rusty nail sticking out of the wall. There was so much blood.
Left knuckle, age 11, I was peeling a lime we found with a knife, Justin said, “you’re gonna cut yourself, let me help you.” I said, “no I got it!” And then the knife slipped.
Right knee, age 9, we were checking out the keawe behind Aina Haina and riding our bikes down a big hill, when Justin said, “let me go first to see if there’s cars coming.” I said, “no it’s fine, I wanna go first.” There was a car– and instead of crashing into it as it drove uphill toward me, I swerved to the right to hit the parked car instead. I landed face and knees first on the curb. Ho “strawberrehs,” my uncles said.
I could go on and on, but you get the point. Justin was often calculated and correct. He still is. That drove me crazy sometimes. I wanted to prove to myself and anyone watching that I deserved to stay in the “equal” category with him.
I’m just as worthy as he is, I’ll prove it.
I still have this little part in me that’s rebellious, that wants to prove that I don’t need to be told what to do, that I can do it alone, and that I can win while I do it.
The Bible calls it pride.
There are three main definitions Webster has for pride; the one I’m referring to here is:
a feeling that you are more important or better than other people.
I see two lessons to learn from pride:
1. God ultimately deserves all the glory and therefore we should praise Him for gifting us these talents and qualities we have, instead of boastfully taking credit for them.
The eyes of the arrogant man will be humbled and the pride of men brought low; the LORD alone will be exalted in that day. (Isaiah 2:11)
The only man who truly had bragging rights was Jesus. He literally never sinned. I’m sure He was tempted to be prideful with all the information He knew before anyone else, when justice was served to the people who mocked Him, and when He performed miracles, but He wasn’t. He remained humble throughout his 33 years on Earth. He deserves the glory.
2. Pride pins us against each other through unhealthy comparisons, which we must combat through truly believing we are who Christ says we are and operating out of that belief. Not letting the fear of insecurity run our lives, but trusting we are who He says we are and thus have nothing to prove.
Pride is an ugly thing. It makes people do some odd things in an attempt to prove what’s already true.
You are good enough.
You are as good as the person standing next to you.
Jesus died for both of you.
I believe that comparing your strength to someone else’s should only be done either for fun, lightheartedly, or for necessity. Anything beyond that and you’re susceptible to comparison and pride.
Check your heart.
Who are you really competing against?
What are you trying to prove?
Do you trust God when He says you’re enough?
He doesn’t want us pinned against each other. Talking about so and so’s prettier, stronger, smarter. It’s all a distraction.
We were created for relationships with one another. Comparing and competing against the people closest to you is a quick way to damage relationships. We were created to serve each other and lift each other up.
Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
We’ll fall short of that sometimes, but let’s not make it a habit to decide whose better and whose worse.
Humility should be the goal, not winning.
