2:47pm March 6th
Drowning in the murky green water outside our apartment here in Bambang, Bulakan, Bulacan, Philippines. Trash is floating on the surface. The water is bubbling with filth.
This is the moment I fall in love on the race. His name is Jonah. One lick of his sandpaper tongue and I was done. I picked off a flea and wrapped him in my towel.
Love, I tell you.
He’s a 1 pound kitten Shrena and I saved. We washed him, fed him, and eventually reunited him with his mother.
The struggle was bringing this crying kitten into our living room. At least 3 of the 42 here are allergic to cats. At least 5 despise them. So Jonah couldn’t live inside with us, but there was much redemption in his story.
Regardless, I brought Jonah to our team time and worship. The 7 of us sat in a circle in the church. Jonah and I sat an extra 5 feet away, to protect Catherine’s swelling left eye.
Our goal for worship today was to try a new form of praise. A mantra; to repeat the same phrase. Our phrase was “God is enough.” We first repeated it (in our heads) for 2 minutes with soft music in the background.
The purpose being to let any distractions melt away as you pour out your praise. It’s easy to praise when you’re in your favorite setup with your favorite song, but what about at a 7 hour border crossing? What about in the midst of cooking for 200 people? These are the times that praise can center us back to our purpose; to love with abandon like Jesus did.
Can you praise him even when things are hectic?
After our 2 minutes of repeating “God is enough,” we did another round. This time for 5 minutes. It’s harder than it sounds. To shut off your mind and fully focus.
People from other teams are talking in the back of the room and outside, the fans are blowing, and Jonah is meowing louder and louder, because he’s hungry now.
The Lord reminds me that one of His main goals for me this year is to become a person who can bring peace to any room. Genuine peace that’s only found through him.
I flash back to the refugee camp in Greece. How hectic things were. Having a melt down in the shipping container, because I can’t save these people. They’re literally dying and I’m not strong enough to witness all the things I’m seeing on these long shifts.
That’s when the Lord told me. “I just need you to bring peace and positivity.” He is my strength.
Flash back to the present, Jonah is screaming louder and louder. I’m trying to pet him and pull him closer in. Anything to comfort him. “I’m just trying to help you.” I whisper.
“God is enough. God is enough. God is enough.” I get back on track only to be distracted by my most obvious subconscious thought…
I’m like Jonah.
I’m on repeat crying out with my doubts and questions and he’s just holding me trying to soothe me saying, “I’ve got you. If you just sit still, you’ll see I’m trying to help you.”
This week in the Philippines, I’ve been working on unearthing some trust and abandonment issues deeply seeded in me. Ones that I thought I’d dealt with years ago.
I’ve been in a funk since we got here. I’ve hardly wanted to eat or sleep or do anything really.
AnnaKate and I talked it out, prayed, got in the Word, and I hit some revelations.
We figured out that the main things I’m missing in these moments are patience and peace. I need the patience to trust God to direct my life and to be on my side. I’m at a point in my life when I have no control over where I go, what I eat, who I talk to, etc.
That lack of freedom is both exhausting and humbling.
I’ve always done as I pleased. I’m realizing I lack self control, because I’ve never really needed it. I’ve always been the one to pay for my consequences in full without affecting anyone else. Not the case on a squad of 40 in a team of 7 in a city that’s never seen an American and is looking for you to be their Christian role model.
As for peace, I can only get back to having peace by trusting God.
Why don’t I trust God? Because I don’t trust humans. The ones He died for. The ones he created in His image. I’ve been burned too many times. So now I need to recall, forgive, and sometimes reconcile with each of those situations I learned to stop trusting from.
Jesus is the Prince of Peace. He’s at work in the mess and he delivers on his promises.
Where He’s going with this, I don’t know, but I know it will be big and it will be good.
I’m learning to truly believe that God wants good things for me.
