As a reader of my blogs, you know by now that this mission trip has pushed me to grow in all areas of my life– no segment left untouched by God.
One of those areas I’m growing is in boldly speaking the truth– even, no especially, when it’s uncomfortable.
So here it goes.
Back in February 2015, I signed a contract with Adventures in Missions, saying I wouldn’t date from that day of acceptance until the end of the World Race in August 2016. That’s a year and a half of my 20’s, so I wasn’t sure how to feel. It was one of many sacrifices that would come with answering God’s calling. Being told no to something seen as fun can be hard. Societally, dating is one of those things.
But being abstinent wasn’t as hard as it seemed. The first 6 months were chaotic with work, selling everything, moving, and trying to fundraise $16,267 for this mission. My love life was the least of my priorities.
Then, we launched on the Race. It still wasn’t that hard, because we move every month and getting attached to someone romantically wasn’t even on my radar.
But then we went to South Africa and I met Lindani. (For that story check out my blog Falling in Love on the Race.) All of a sudden my love life came back into existence.
I reluctantly said goodbye as we were forced to part ways when my squad moved from Africa to Asia. Finding adoration in someone and having to put those feelings on layaway– as I continued on with ministry, constantly moving, and living in community– came with a mourning period. But eventually, I was forced to accept my circumstances and focus my attention back on the bigger picture of what God wanted to do with my Race.
After about a week, I got back to working on my spiritual growth. Or rather, God got back to working on me.
Being a planner, I started to imagine what our future relationship would look like.
Even before I met him, I knew two things; I wanted to stay a born again virgin and I didn’t want to live with someone until marriage. These are two relatively new ideals that I’ve only been practicing for the past couple years and they’ve hardly been put to the test.
I knew that in order to fight my old fleshly ways and to change not just my mind, but also my heart and my actions, I was going to have to find a deep understanding of why I am making these two decisions. I’d have to gain that understanding, not just through forming my own opinion, but in discovering God’s truth.
I overwhelmed myself with questions of how does God view premarital sex? Why am I going to wait? Why do I not want to wait? What’s the foundation of my belief?
I even talked to my team and friends back home for insight on the topic.–– I’ll put the answers I discovered on hold for a second.
So now there’s this person, this option, this opportunity to make a foundation. And the choices in the way we communicate now go in to building a solid or a shaky foundation for this relationship.
What I was growing in was actually going to be tested for the first time.
How badly do I want to hold on to those two decisions I told myself to stick to earlier?
I was going to have to actually fight what comes natural to my flesh and the mindset I grew up in, and literally be transformed by the renewing of my mind, like it says in Romans 12:2.
––The answers I discovered came in two revelations I had one afternoon in Changlun, Malaysia. It was one of probably two days I’ve had this entire year, where I was home alone. My 6 teammates were out somewhere for the whole day and I had the house to myself. Not even remembering what to do with freedom like that, I cooked, cleaned, and listened to a podcast. Who have I become? lol
The first revelation came through the podcast. The speaker asked if there was a sin you’re holding on to that you don’t want to give to God? She goes on to say, He wants all of you, not just most of you while you hold on tight to that piece you set aside for the world.
Sin is anything that separates you from God, so that thing you hold onto is the very thing keeping you from being free. It’s called bondage. We live in bondage to the things we know we don’t believe are right, but do anyway, for fear that we won’t be as satisfied without them.
The revelation was that I was faced with the reality that I have 6 months to figure out what I truly believe and the way I act on that will dictate my future. My mind was saying wait till marriage, my body was saying that’s ridiculous, and my heart was standing in the middle confused and disoriented as it skipped another beat.
The podcast showed me that self control isn’t about giving things up so we can follow the rules better, earn our way into Heaven, please people, or look good on the outside. Self control is about finding freedom in living a healthy life while you honor God with your time.
Freedom comes with self control. When you have self discipline in the areas that matter, the rest of your life shows it. You have more time to do the things you want to, to go to the places you want to, because you’re not spending that time and energy avoiding the areas that you struggle in, sowing into seeds that bare bad fruit. If you know you’re bad with money or daily chores or drinking or setting boundaries, you don’t have to accept that as part of your identity and stay that way. There is power in your daily routine, in asking yourself why you operate the way you do, and fighting to change it when it doesn’t sit right with your soul.
The second revelation happened later in the day as I was asking God for answers. I was asking God to show me whether sexual immorality in the Bible refers to premarital sex or adultery. I’d been asking that question for over a month. Finally, on that breezy night, I felt God say, you’re asking the wrong question.
The real question is, God what is YOUR will for my relationship with Lindani?
All my other questions were nearly pointless in light of this one. This one simultaneously covered a lot of the other questions I had.
I felt God say, My will for this relationship is for it to be a testament of self control to the people in your lives. In other words, wait until marriage to have sex.
All the pieces of the puzzle seemed to be coming together. The question wasn’t about my interpretation of scriptures on premarital sex, it was bigger. What does God want for my actions to reflect? Him. HIM.
If you know me well, then you know I lived with my ex-bf from 16 to 21. You know I spent a lot of years living for the memories, not for God. You know I had a non-traditional upbringing. You know I didn’t practice self control for most of my teen years. You know I’ve overcome binge drinking at 17 and all the things that came with that. You know I’m notoriously late to social things.
You’d think this background would push me to think I’ll fail at this endeavor, but in actuality it’s my fuel to overcome this.
The generational curses on my family– of addictions, chronic lateness, premarital sex, having children out of wedlock– all relate to self control. If I can overcome this, I can set up a new way of living for the kids I have one day. A way that embodies the freedom Christ calls us to when we have self control.
I started to see that this timing was perfectly orchestrated, because the Lord knew I needed that 6 months apart to gain a better understanding of self control and practice it in other areas of my life first. Had I met Lindani right before the end of the Race, I think it would have been way harder for me to see what God’s will was in this.
Let me tell you, if abstinence wasn’t hard, I can say celibacy is. Abstinence is not doing the thing. Celibacy is not doing the thing with intent to wait for another thing (ie. marriage). When I move to South Africa, the option will be right there. The choices will be daily challenges. It’s easy to abstain from eating chocolate cake while you’re sitting at your desk working on a project, but say your office moves and now you’re facing the bakery window across the way every day– it’s a lot harder to say no to the cake.
That’s the way I see sex. If you’re in a relationship, it’s that much harder to stay celibate, because the option is right there in the front of you, staring back at you.
With all the beauty that proximity holds, it also holds the weight of temptation.
If you’re dealing with something similar, you’re probably going to have to come up with your own strategy that works for you, but in hopes that it will help, I’ll share part of mine:
-let your intentions and boundaries be known early on.
-have accountability in specific people you trust, who know you well.
-call or text said people when you’re about to be in a situation where you feel like you’re in over your head.
-read your Word often.
-have certain scriptures around your room that remind you that you continually want to choose your Spirit over your flesh, because the flesh is just temporary.
-talk to God often, listen for His perspective.
-remind yourself your body is a temple.
-remind yourself of the revelations you had that brought you to this decision in the first place.
Practicing self control is an art. An art I have not yet mastered.
It’s an art where I hold the paint brush and choose the colors, but God guides my hand. He can add or take away any desire of mine, He can redirect my thoughts, He can teach me how to trust His goodness in the picture He’s using me to create.
With the knowledge I now have of what He wants the self control in my life to look like, I can actually start to practice it and gain perseverance. “Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love.” (2 Peter 1:5-9)
So now I have my answers, I have been called to stick to my original two decisions even with the daily temptation of proximity that will come when I move to South Africa in August.
The choices I make now are dictating the future I have. And those choices can work for the world or for the Kingdom.
And when God speaks, I can’t unhear Him. He’s changed my heart. And when He changes your heart, He doesn’t just leave you to fight the new battle alone, He gives you His armor.
