I wrote this beginning part in Malaysia on December 23rd. I couldn’t post it then because the information therein wasn’t yet final. Then I forgot about it until April and didn’t finish my thoughts until today.
Last night as we were all getting in bed, someone(I’m still in too much shock to even remember who) suddenly yelled “DID YOU SEE THIS EMAIL FROM HOPE?” Of course everyone’s faces lit up(not out of excitement; we just had the lights off and all grabbed our phones/tablets/laptops etc), and after a minute or two of silence punctuated by occasional squeals, gasps and “NO FREAKING WAY”s, we all started talking at once.
WE ARE GOING HOME.
Two months ago I was dying for that day to come. The World Race felt like a dark hole with no end. I was convinced I’d never be home.
I’d sing the chorus to Matt Redman’s “You Never Let Go” to myself whenever I forgot that this wouldn’t last forever. Reminding myself that there will be an end to these troubles…
Now that end is real. I know exactly when it is. It’s actually coming.
Only I never want it to get here.
I don’t want to leave these six women who have become my best friends,
I don’t want to go home and stick God back in his neat little box,
I don’t want to have to find a whole new community to replace my squad.
[Now this is May 1st. Like today.]
Some of us have wondered at times, “Why is the World Race not 12 countries in 12 months? Why can’t it just be a full year?”
Now that I’m in month 11, I can tell you it’s because 11 is the absolute max number of places your body and brain can handle living in over the course of 11 months before they shut down on you. Half of us have already barely started to get sick; our bodies are telling us “Okay, one more country, one more month, but I will not permit you to put me through any more! You are taking me to a couch and filling me with Chick-fil-A as SOON as you possibly can.”
I’ll be home this month. THIS month.
May 17th will make a year since our squad first joined together.
That’s also the first day of final debrief. The last time we’ll ever be all together.
I’ll be on US soil 3 weeks from tomorrow. And on a secret day after that(I’m hiding from the world and revealing myself to people as I’m ready), I’ll be in my own bed.
I cry daily, one minute because I just want off this ride right this second, the next because I can’t imagine not being surrounded by people who experienced this year with me.
I’m ready to not hear the same 25 worship songs all day.
I’m not ready to explain all my stories to every person who crosses my path.
I’m ready to eat my mom’s food, and live within walking distance of a Moe’s.
I’m not ready to be done laughing around the dinner table with my team every night.
I’m ready to be able to watch whatever movies I want without having to compromise with six other people.
I’m not ready to not be able to quote movies with Casey every other sentence.
I’m ready to be in the land of smoke-free restaurants.
I’m not ready to not have Courtney’s sixth sense to when I’m about to have an asthma attack.
I’m ready to see my cat.
I’m not ready to be apart from Meagan and Alicia, who squeal over cute animals just as much as I do.
For about 2 weeks in Swaziland, I went through a phase where I was legitimately convinced that God was going to let me die as soon as the Race ended. Not in a suicidal way; I didn’t WANT to die, it just seemed logical at the time. He wasn’t giving me any hint of a plan for the future, so maybe this was the biggest thing he wanted me to do with my life and that was it. I didn’t sleep much for those weeks.
I’m not quite that anxious about the finish line anymore…but I’m also not as happy about it as I may seem. Underneath all the Facebook statuses proclaiming my excitement for food and my bed and my brother, I’m also terrified and sad. F squad is my family. I’ll never be ready to let them go.
Ready or not, our plane will land in DC in 22 days, I’ll hug my aunt and uncle and cousins and stuff my face with Chick-fil-A and eventually make my way back to my favorite state.
The end will come and this is the last I will think about it until debrief, because I have too many more memories and friends to make while our ministry is still going on.
