Saturday September 7th was more hard than I had ever anticipated. It was the last day with my parents for nine months, and the thought of it made me sick. Going into this, I didn’t assume it would be so daunting, but for some reason it was. I had trouble letting go, and I had tears in my eyes the whole goodbye. Finally my dad grabbed me and said, “Go be a leader, and go be a motivator”, and my sweet mother stated truth saying, “With God on your side nothing is impossible”. We group hugged for the last time and parted ways.
Later that day during worship I was feeling defeated. I couldn’t concentrate on God, and I was drowning myself in my sorrows. I felt like my seatbelt was gone, and knowing I couldn’t drive to my parents whenever I needed was freaking me out. When the session finally started the whole thing was about God working through others to heal. This is a topic I hate discussing because I know my healing is a process, and talking about it reminds me I’m not there yet. After so much battling within my mind they finally started closing the session, and we all started singing again. Some people raised their hand asking to be prayed over. I turned over and saw my sweet squad mentor Megan standing there with her hand in the air. Despite not feeling the best I ran over to her along with a few others. She told us her knees were bothering her, then they all started praying over her. I couldn’t do it. The echo of satin was ringing in my ear saying, “You’re not healed, so how can God work through you so He can heal someone else? You’re worthless, and a joke. Why are you even trying to serve God?”. As that keep going through my head I zoned out, and became focused on satin’s echo. I wasn’t praying. I was worrying. They finally got done, and before I knew it they’re trying it again. This time I tried tuning out his voice, but I could feel him raging in anger because even though I felt defeated he knew I still had hope in the Lord. By the time I choose to get satin out of my head they had finished praying over Megan. I felt so awful. But before I could collect anymore thoughts a fellow squad-mate gracefully asked if we could pray over her back, and before I knew it I was actually praying over Molly hoping it’s God’s will to heal her aches. Although, I didn’t have a clear mind I was pushing thru instead of giving up. I declared I was done allowing my thoughts and feelings (satin) to deceive me, and in that moment I had a dash of peace while praying for Molly. After we prayed for Molly, I had to tell the others that I was not being obedient to God. I explained that I didn’t pray for Megan because I was distracted, and that God was telling me to go for it again. They’re faces lit up, and we all tried again with so much faith in our hearts. Although Megan didn’t receive healing that night, the lesson I learned was to be obedient to God. Soon in the back of my mind, I knew that healing in my life was coming. Then I thought to myself that sometimes Satin’s belief in God is often times stronger than ours, and I knew I was never gonna let his belief be stronger than mine again.
S O M E V E R S E S I R E A D T H A T N I G H T
“As for God, His way is perfect: the Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in Him” – Psalm 18:30.
“For he choses us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ” – Ephesians 1:4-5.
The following day I felt different. I couldn’t and can’t explain how, but there was a fire down in my soul that I couldn’t contain that I couldn’t control. Just like the song says, I wanted more of God, and that feeling was addicting. Flash forward to worship that same night I felt the sprit of the Lord all around and the smile on my face keep getting bigger and bigger. I was praising my Jesus for all he has done and will ever do for me, and thinking about it overwhelmed my heart with such joy. That following moment a dear friend Regina came to me saying, “God is telling me you’re supposed to pray for someone. Pray and ask who it is, and go to them”. At first I was flustered, but of course I proceeded to ask God who it was. Barley a second had passed, and I already felt conviction. For some reason, my heart was drawn towards my squad mate Noelle worshiping right in front of me. I had no idea why she needed prayer, but I obeyed God and went. After praying we hugged, then continued worshipping our Father. All of the sudden the worship band started playing “No Longer Slaves”, which is one of my favorite worship songs. I felt myself release. I felt the presence of peace. I felt Jesus’s love all around. The lead singer Evan said into the mic, “Leaders and mentors ask God who He wants you to pray over, then go do it”. I stood there still as ever. God told me, “No one is coming to pray over you. You already know what my plan is for you. Go on the stage and announce your freedom”. My heart instantly dropped to my stomach, and my stomach dropped to my butt. I was nervous. Im not good with words. I hate speaking in public. I’m an awkward loner. I hate attention. When people look at me I get nervous. Going on stage is something I would NEVER do, but I did. I obeyed. I briefly told everyone my story, then went straight into glorifying God for giving me true freedom. That little adventure of obedience was all Jesus wanted. For me to simply share my story to help others get thru their story.
