i posted this on my instagram account the other day, but i thought those of you supporting and praying and walking alongside of me would want to read it as well if you didn’t get the chance earlier.
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“when i thought i lost me, you knew where i left me. you reintroduced me to your love. you picked up all my pieces and put me back together, you are the defender of my heart.”
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a lot has come tumbling down and lately i just haven’t been in a good spot to try and fix them. i’ve been sad and lonely, tired and anxious, and completely burnt out on everything. it’s been a struggle to fall asleep and then stay asleep. an even bigger struggle to get out of bed in the morning because i’m not ready to feel it all again.
i am scared to be around people and worried about how they perceive me. i spend more time than not thinking about past moments and questioning their outcome: why did that happen? what did i do for it to result like that? what did i do wrong that i deserved that treatment from them, because it must have been something, right? so much anxiety and sadness and loneliness that hurts and isolates and continues day in and day out.
it is constant and never-ending. a battle within myself. i’m not who i was or who i want to be, but stuck in the in-between of someone i never wanted to become. i would rather sit in my room on my bed than go do something around people that has the potential to be fun or life-bringing in any way. it has been (and will be) a long season of growth and healing, but it is so hard to even imagine myself at the end of that. and even then, do i have the strength to fight for myself and get there? or do i just sit here complacent? because even though it hurts and is not where i want to be, it is the easiest option. to just live this life of sadness and existence, instead of actually living.
but through this, there is one thing that allows me to roll over in bed, set my feet on the ground, and make it through each day. i feel the pain and the sadness, the hurt of it all, but i can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. it, or he, is there, waiting.
the song “defender” is a beautiful song of worship and praise. it speaks life and hope into you and lets you see the glory that awaits. the bridge, which i started this with, has been an anthem for me in the last few weeks. i am so lost and distanced and alone, but little by little he is reminding me of who i am, in him. he has reintroduced me to his love, and even though i don’t feel like i can accept it and fully trust it yet, it is so so good. he is picking up my pieces, putting me back together, defending my heart and restoring my soul.
i could not tell you why this has begun or what started it. how i became so afraid of everything and everyone. and i can also tell you that i am nowhere near the end of it. it’s a long journey of restoration and peace-bringing, allowing myself to feel the love that i do deserve. but i hope that one day soon, i can become someone even better than i was before, someone who knows their worth and won’t settle.
this is my prayer for everyone, whether they relate or not. we all feel lonely and sad at one point or another, and here is his promise that he will fix restore us.
thanks for reading (even though this was loooong)
peace & blessings !!
lily
