I have a confession to make. I am utterly in love with my God. Like, so in love. But, somewhere amongst that love, is also immense fear. I have been out of country for over two months now. Two whole months (plus!). Relatively speaking that’s a short time…but I can tell you that it is also a very long time. ~ 60 days~ A lot of stuff can happen in 60 days.
I want to share with you one thing that has happened during this time that is very personal. It is something I’ve struggled my whole life with, completely unaware that I was actually struggling with it. Fear. In the past, I found places and people to focus my fear on, but without realizing it, fear was destroying my perspective and my emotions. It was holding me back from a lot of growing up.
In unfamiliar places, with unfamiliar people, God has been revealing the strongholds of fear that I carry; fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of myself and, ultimately, a fearful view of God. Acknowledging these types of fears and where they came from hasn’t been easy. Some of these fears developed from memories that feel so distant and insignificant that they shouldn’t even matter – but they do. Some of them stem from the most important events that have taken place in my life. And some of them come from something so simple as to a comment one of my friends made to me, a single insignificant moment in my life. But what I’ve realized is that really, it is significant.
I grew up fearing God in many ways. When I was little, I feared that if I wasn’t perfect, physically, academically, emotionally, I wouldn’t meet the “standards” I strived to meet for my family to be proud of me. If that was the case then I especially wouldn’t meet those “standards” my Heavenly Father had for me. When I consciously made bad choices, so fully aware, I feared He would judge me and send His wrath. When I had to have four back surgeries, I thought it was punishment and I feared that that was a sign I wasn’t supposed to have good use of my body. When I got in a head-on collision, I feared he thought I was a mistake and was trying to take me away from this world. But these weren’t just fears, they were lies. The enemy was masking himself as these small fears and questions sneaking his way into my mind. The enemy tied me in knots to the point that I looked at God as nothing other than my creator, judging my every movement, and waiting to pounce and punish me for my mistakes.
Here’s the thing – that’s not who my God is. He is not to be feared in these trials, but to be praised through them. Through even these first two months I’ve learned that I don’t need to fear God for things I’ve grown up fearing him for, but “fear” of God for the right things is good and right. We grow up being told things like “God is always right by your side”, or “Jesus is your best friend.” In truth, isn’t it a little intimidating to know that the creator of the whole universe – the one who made every star in the sky, every living creature, and even every hair on your head – is over your shoulder, watching every single thing that you do? If you’re saying no, I’m sorry, you’re wrong. He does want us to fear him, but in the right way. He wants to make it known that even though He is with us and loves us intensely, He is still God; and that is not to be taken lightly. He has the power to heal the sick, to raise the dead, and to part the seas, but he also holds the power to send plagues, to break down temples, and to simply destroy whatever He chooses. Seriously, He wouldn’t even break a sweat doing it. His might is so great that we have no choice but to look on him with awe and wonder. Kinda scary, right?
However, we should have a healthy awe of His power and might, because they are unlike any other. He literally has the power to destroy the entire earth at any given moment, how can that not scare you? “Oh, it does!” you say? Good, glad we’re on the same page. In all seriousness though, our God is to be praised above all, in everything, and yes, we must have an awe and a wonder of Him, but living in paralyzing fear of Him is just foolish. Any fear of that sort is a lie from the enemy, tearing at our relationship with our Lord. Now that I know this, I choose to step out in those fears. I stare them right in the face, straight in the eye. Satan’s lies have no hold and no authority over me, and I will never cease to be a servant to my King. Lord, may I be useful to You in the building of Your Kingdom all of my days.
“The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in the darkness like those long dead. So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed. I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. I spread out my hands to you; I thirst for you like a parched land. Answer me quickly, Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. Rescue me from my enemies, Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me to level ground. For your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.” (Psalm 143:3-12)
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” (Proverbs 31:30)
