December 9th, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia:
“Lord, make me a vulnerable person who is able to openly let people in and pour life into everyone I meet.”
Lords answer: “Break down your walls”
Depending on who you talk to, some people would call me someone who is emotionally cold and not open to feeling her feelings. That I am someone who bottles them up and is disconnect from my heart. The problem with that statement is that it is actually true. If you are obsessed with the world of enneagram you would find that specific trait is something all 3 wing 2’s have a problem with. It’s just called something a little different, deceit. If you tell yourself you are always okay and that everything is fine enough times, you start to believe it and completely disconnect yourself from feeling any emotion because, they will remind you that everything isn’t okay. My solution to this? Putting up walls. The beauty behind this concept was that if I was able to hide my feelings from others I could do the exact same for myself. My first big wall is on the inside. It’s my emotional wall. The wall that says “everything is alright kiddo. No need to figure out what’s going on down here.” On the small occasions where something leaks out of that wall, the next wall comes into play, my hair. If you observe me long enough you would see that when I get put into a situation I can’t predict I tend to sweep my hair across my face. If you can hide half of your face from people around you, they can’t see how you feel. They can’t ever see the WHOLE picture. As the race has gone on, my teammates and I have been able to pick up some little quirks that we all do. At one of our team times one of my teammates told me that they’ve realized that anytime I get into a situation that looks like it might be a little tough I tend to sweep half of my hair into my face. It’s like a safety net or something. They continued to also tell me that I also don’t allow myself to feel stuff, it’s like I was scared to be vulnerable and honest with myself. And man, did that stab me. This was a trait I thought I was able to hide pretty well. I don’t have many things that frighten me and one thing that does scare me is my emotions. During my time in Malaysia my squad got lice and we have had it for about a month and a half now. Since then many of my squad mates have shaved their heads for many different types of growth in identity. Many who had shaved their heads have been wanting to do it for years and were too scared. However, these itchy bugs were exactly what they needed to give them the little push to freedom. It’s funny how God uses some annoying bugs to get us to do something we’ve been wanting to do for years. As I sat on a roof in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia watching my squad worship their hearts out on a roof, I just marveled at how vulnerable we all were. How we felt comfortable being able to shout from the roof, the love we have for the Lord. Then the small memory of my teammates feedback hit my head. I just saw how the fear of vulnerability was something I was just never going to let go of if I never did anything about it so I wrote down a little prayer in my journal:
“Lord, make me a vulnerable person who is able to openly let people in and pour life into everyone I meet.”
And the Lords answer:
“Break down your walls”
So, that night I sat and thought about the walls I put up and how I could take steps to tear them down. As I sat in my bed thinking my teammates feedback came back in my head. However, what was highlighted the most this time was the part about me sweeping my hair in my face. Throughout my month in Malaysia I would have people braid my hair so I couldn’t put it into my face but somehow by the end of the day the braids were just gone and the hair was again in my face. So, I sat in my bed and came to the conclusion that I had to break down my physical walls to break down my internal ones. So, I decided that night that the first night we were in Costa Rica I was going to shave my head. I was going to break down my physical walls that would push people away from trying to help me. On December 13th, 2018 at around 10pm I shaved my head with some help of my squamates and I’m so excited to see how the rest of this journey goes.
It’s been so amazing to be on the field for the last 3 months and as I enter month 4 I am even more excited to see how relationships I’ve made with locals in Costa Rica (my home for the next 3 months) grow. I’ve loved being able to tell you all the stories and journeys that I’ve walked through while being on the race and would love to be able to do more. However, I am not yet fully funded and my deadline is 3 weeks away. As of today I am $130 short from being fully funded. I know the Lord will provide the funds needed for me to stay on the field and I cannot wait to see how the lords timing in that will look. I am so thankful for everyone who have come alongside with me through this journey with support in finances and prayer. I love you all so dearly! If you do feel a tug to donate you can hit the blue donate button. Any amount helps and is greatly appreciated.
I miss you all so dearly and I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!!
Sincerely,
Lillian Son
