We’ve been on the bus for over 30 hours. Our entire squad is traveling from Uganda to Nairobi, Kenya to Dar Saa Saleem, Tanzania. It looks completely different. The landscape and the people. It looks drier, the place more mundane, more needy. There are tons of Masai around, their colors vibrant against the tan, grey sand.
I want to disappear. I don’t want to be seen and yet I yearn for conversation. I have Brittany next to me and I have nothing new to say but my soul is not fulfilled. I feel the same as yesterday and I still have the same issues in my heart. When will my heart change? When will I die to myself and my desires. This flesh is so much, it cares too much, it has too much power over me. I feel overwhelmed.
Jesus, I need you, please. I want to be joyful, I want to be happy. Sometimes I feel like a fake. I don’t feel like me. Is this part of the process, the transformation of being more like you? I have no answers. I both long for the days we travel, I feel closer to God when its me and the wind of the road in my face. I see God and the people he cares for and I need to be more like him.
