This is my final blog from Rwanda, written about a week ago:
I do lunges when I speak in front of people, leaning forward into the microphone and then rocking back. My voice moves into a higher pitch, especially when I get excited. Usually, I don’t stand behind the podium as I prefer stepping to the side. While I have decent control of the mic, sometimes it starts to have a mind of its own, waving around like a magic wand as I get into what I’m sharing. All these things are little quirks, my unique set of public speaking faux paus that I can be working on. I don’t mind people seeing me struggle through learning to stand still or move at the appropriate time, but the thought of talking about my struggle with my position in ministry becoming my spiritual identity makes me a little queasy.
On the Race, I have gotten used to sharing about how the Lord set me free from night terrors and co-dependent relationships, but it wasn’t until Ethiopia (about a month ago) that I realized I wasn’t really talking about the more recent struggles, the more personal struggles and the present struggles. Last month I stood in front of a congregation and talked about how God asks us to bring sin into the light, to confess it openly. I was asking these people to be extremely vulnerable with one another, with their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ and I knew that God had called me to do the same.
With about forty pairs of eyes looking intently at me, I shared how I had struggled with lust from a really young age, how I confessed it openly to a small group my freshman year of college and how I walked away from that small group feeling so free. It was scary and I remember feeling like I was going to be sick, but the true freedom that followed was astounding. When we confess openly to our brothers and sisters, when we repent out loud, it is an act of overcoming fear. In this action we are saying that Christ’s love is enough and that it will be the thing that sustains us no matter the reaction that our confession illicits in the people around us. It is a declaration that Christ’s grace is real. He really did forgive me and the thing that I am confessing has no hold over me anymore. Finally, it is an act of obedience. Ephesians 5:11-13 says, “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible-and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.”
Tonight when I share about my struggle with finding my identity in my position in ministry, there will be a room full of youth and young adults listening. I used to try to fight through the fact that I was comparing myself to other leaders or think that I wasn’t spiritually maturing because I hadn’t been asked to lead a larger group of college students. It took stepping down from leadership for a summer to realize that I was finding my identity in my position. It took asking one of my squad leaders at training camp to not put me in any leadership position to start actively addressing the fact that leadership was where I was finding my identity. It took confessing to all my leaders the pride, envy and fear I felt when I wasn’t raised up to be a squad leader this year. I felt ugly. I felt like I was never going to overcome this struggle, but as I began to expose these fruitless deeds of darkness, they became bathed in light. I could start moving forward, start growing, start overcoming. Now Jesus has made this struggle a light. I get to share with a room full of people how to be free, how to avoid slavery, how to be in ministry without becoming obsessed with titles and jargon. It is really humbling because there are times where I still catch myself struggling with this, but it is glorious because I am finding freedom and Jesus is going to be glorified through the process.
After the genocide here in Rwanda, local courts called “grass courts” were set up in each community. The perpetrators of the genocide were asked to appear before a local judge, their neighbors and friends and confess what they had done. Many told the truth, told about how they had murdered their neighbors’ children and their friends’ wives. Those who confessed openly were given the opportunity to serve a portion of their sentence serving the community. Many were very honest. They exposed the fruitless deeds of darkness and the reconciliation that took place after that made this heinous situation become a brilliant light. The people of this country are beautiful, full of friendliness and kindness. When I walk through the streets, I do not sense of a spirit of darkness as I have in other places, I sense freedom and hope. Speaking the truth and forgiving those who speak the truth can be excruciatingly painful, but it is where freedom happens.
Life Updates:
It was exciting to…lead a youth conference and depend on the Lord even when I felt so inadequate
The favorite game of the youth conference was…musical chairs. Many had never played it before and we got to introduce Christian rap and hip-hop!!
I cried when…I said goodbye to our ministry host, Tata Bukenya (Daddy Bukenya). Between the trust he put in me as I preached, the random tootsie pops, and the prayers when I was sick, this man of God watched out for my team and I so well. He is full of humility and kindness!
