How do I even begin to talk about training camp for the world race? The silence on my end isn’t from lack of thoughts and experiences to write about, but more from being almost overwhelmed by the abundance of them. I am still sorting through the first layer of all that happened. I was filled with joy and wonder at the way God brings people together as I met the beautiful people who are in my squad (C-Squad, WHOOP!), laughed with new friends and cried as we got vulnerable and shared the deep, hard things going on in our lives. I struggled to let go of comparing my community now with the new community that God is planting me in. I was filled with fresh desire to carry the Kingdom of God out into the world. BUT, the biggest thing that Jesus began in me while on training camp was learning how to surrender on a whole new level.
Last fall (around this same time actually), I began to pray, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24) I asked the Lord to highlight any place in me that was not given to Him and to lead me into deeper and deeper intimacy with Him. What followed is not what I expected. At all. I began to see the petty things that I was seeking comfort in over Jesus, the pride in me that kept me from sharing my daily struggle with food as an idol in my life, and I found in me this place that didn’t want the things of Jesus. I panicked! I spent months coming into the presence of God, kneeling at His feet and shaming myself as I listed my sin and waited for His disappointment. He NEVER condemned me and even though I felt like His Presence wasn’t with me, He kept leading me so kindly and patiently. There are distinct moments in this past year where I broke down, tired of fighting sin and the spiritual attacks that kept coming my way. In those times the Holy Spirit would comfort me with the deepest love and hope that I have ever known. He told me I was so brave, to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, to press on dear heart. What kind of God does this? Why does a perfect, holy, beautiful God touch every part of my life with His grace. I honestly can’t wrap my mind around it, but He does and that moves my heart to a deeper place of surrender, which leads to freedom, which leads to joy! So, honestly this post is really to encourage anyone who is reading this and feels that they have fallen from the grace of God, experiencing a time of spiritual attack or that they are just weary. You are brave. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Press on dear heart.
Where am I at now and how does this tie into the World Race? I am daily, moment by moment asking Jesus to fill my heart with the desires of His heart and to make me into a woman who is surrendered in the little things as well as the big. What God has called me to do physically to prepare for the World Race (Live out of a backpack, leave my hometown, give up security) is what He calls every Christian to do spiritually. We were made to function best when we are filled with the things of God. So, I am learning that when I surrender things, it is not about giving something up, but realizing that God has something hundreds of time better to give me. Sometimes I get this really clearly and other times, I fight the Lord for control. Praise God for the process!
