I’ve been trying and trying to think of a way to present this month to you in a positive light, but I just couldn’t. So, I’m going to be brutally honest with you. What’s the point of blogging your thoughts and emotions if you can’t be honest, right? This month was extremely hard for me. Our ministry was challenging in that there wasn’t much of it. Our team went through a lot of brokenness and overall tensions were pretty high. I personally had several different health struggles, and some days just wanted to give up. The words “I just want to go home” left my lips many times this month. I had hit a wall. I was over our team fighting all the time, over sleeping on the ground in a cold room that used to be a fast food restaurant and smelled like grease, over the headaches, nausea, stomach ulcers. Over the slugs in the bathroom and the dirty, smelly clothes that hadn’t been washed all month.
“Ok God, I learned all the lessons I can, I’m ready to go home now.” Home to my friends and family that miss me, home to my soft bed and steamy shower, home to good smells and clean clothes.
Then, one day, I looked down at my wrist. A pang of guilt struck me as I read the word I had permanently etched into my skin, a tiny reminder for my spirit in times just like this one.
Steadfast
We have this hope, as an anchor for the soul, sure and steadfast.
(Hebrews 6:19)
What had been anchoring me all month? I had been turning to outside comforts and even man’s affirmations to hold me down, and it just wasn’t working. So I was going through a hard month, Jesus never promised us easy months all the time. My God is a steadfast hope for my soul, and I was allowing myself to be tossed around on a sea of dissatisfaction and depression. I had given up when it got hard, which is the exact opposite of what I’m called to do. As a follower of Jesus, I cannot allow my outside circumstances to determine the peace of my heart. I must hold tight to the only thing that’s solid, the true anchor. On the Race and in life, when everything around you is constantly changing and shifting, we have a God who never does.
So here is my question for you, reader. What anchors you? What do you turn to when you feel life’s waves tossing you around? The Hebrew word chesed, which translates to steadfast love in ESV, is used 191 times in the Bible. 191 reminders that our God’s love is something solid, something secure. We don’t have to uprooted by the trials of life, our hope is in something greater.
So while Romania was a challenging month for me, I think it taught me one of the most valuable lessons of the Race. My circumstances don’t define me, the unfailing love and peace of our Father does.
