A question we often are asked, usually after we’ve given our spiel about how we’re traveling the world for a year and this is our 9th month on the field, is “Don’t you miss your home?” I usually smile and say something about missing my friends and family but loving the experience of seeing new cultures and meeting new people. An easy answer for a common question, a Barbie band-aid to slap over a wound that has lately been getting deeper and deeper.
The truth is, lately I’ve been feeling very… behind. Time doesn’t stand still at home just because I’m gone. While I LOVE what I’m doing, part of me gets more and more anxious the longer I’m gone, the longer my “real life” is put on hold. Every day I see pictures of girls younger than me walking across the stage in graduation gowns to collect their bachelor degrees, many with an engagement ring sparkling on their finger. Proposals, marriages, new babies, new jobs all litter my Facebook, and as the Race is creeping towards it’s end, the realization that I’m coming home broke, jobless, degree-less and single hits me harder than ever.
This is not a new struggle for me, feeling behind. It’s actually an old, familiar pain that rears its ugly head every once in a while. Sometimes it’s just a tiny whisper in the back of my mind telling me,” if you don’t go to school now you’ll be the oldest one in your classes, how embarrassing!” and “if you don’t find someone now everyone will be married already and you’ll be alone forever.” Sometimes it’s more aggressive, a sudden wave of panic that I’m stuck in some sort of life-standstill, destined to live with my parents forever and never accomplish anything important.
Even before coming on the Race I knew all the right answers to combat these lies. “Comparison is the thief of joy, I’m right where God wants me, Life isn’t a formula that everyone follows, Timelines never work out how we think they will, I’m on the adventure of a lifetime right now…” blah, blah, blah. Sometimes you don’t want some gibberish about taking the road less traveled, you want proof your life is actually going somewhere. Knowing the right answers and actually believing they’re true are two totally different things.
Belief is a choice though. “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, proof of things not seen”( Hebrews 11:1) I have to make the choice to believe the things God says about me and my life, even if I can’t see it. I think something I’ve really grasped while on the Race, that’s the difference in my battle with feeling left behind, and really all types of insecurities. Now I am equipped to actually believe the truth I have always known in the back of my mind. That these are not just empty words muttered to try and make myself feel better, but rather conveyors of life, things that are true of me simply because God says they are true, and that’s all the reason I need. It’s not enough just to know the answers to tell yourself, you have to move forward, choosing to walk in a new light and release yourself from your old ways of thinking.
So I’m declaring truth over myself now, choosing to believe it is in fact true, and walking in restoration from my old doubts.
Comparison IS the thief of joy, and will no longer have a foothold in my heart.
My life has already impacted many people and IS making a difference.
I entrust God with the task of spiritually preparing my future spouse, and am willing to wait on HIS timing.
The age at which I earn my degree does not reflect my intelligence.
“Real life” is happening RIGHT NOW and I will walk in the present, cherishing the amazing adventure I’m on and resting in the knowledge I am exactly where God wants me.
