When seeing something out of the ordinary or when in an uncomfortable situation, my teammate, Rachel, and I always laughingly ask: “What is my life now? Who am I?” It is kind of funny when I reflect on my life now compared to four months ago.
I woke up this morning, unzipped my tent to begin the day and through the fence just beyond my tent, saw cows walking along the tide on the beach and a little naked boy running not far behind. There are boys playing soccer just down the beach, where some goats graze and women begin the day’s laundry. Several hand carved canoes are scattered across the beach. It’s 6:30 am and I can already hear some of my 44 squad-mates laughing over breakfast. This is my life.
We ready ourselves for a long day’s work of construction under the hot Haitian sun. All day long we pour concrete, carry cinder blocks, shovel, and wheelbarrow gravel. The work is hard and my muscles ache from the previous days of work. I persevere because this is our ministry and this is my life.
I get “home” and stand in the already formed line to take a shower (what a huge blessing it is to have a steady stream of water) and wash the concrete and dirt off. I then hand wash my clothes to get rid of the concrete, since I have already ruined several shirts since I started. Cold showers and hand-washing my clothes are my new norm. This is my life.
A dinner of rice and bread will probably be ready soon. If we haven’t yet collapsed from the day’s work, we play banagrams (my favorite game!) to pass the time. We also read, or watch movies on our computers. I prefer the reading and the banagrams; mostly because this is the first time I haven’t been in school in SO long and I don’t want to get dumber. =) This is my life.
After dinner, I sit with my 4 other teammates to talk about the day and give and receive feedback. They tell me about the improvements and growth they see in me, and challenge me in areas that need improvement. While I might’ve taken offense to someone noting my weaknesses in the past, I revel in the illumination of them now. This is my life.
Four months ago, I had hot showers. I had pretty much whatever I wanted to eat, whenever I wanted it. I had the freedom to come and go as I pleased. I could be alone if I wanted. I always had a mirror to look in close by. I went to bed in a cool room under warm sheets. Now I am just too…everything.
I am too tired at the end of the day to swat the bugs away from my face or chase the mosquitos out of my tent.
I am too hungry by the time meals come around to notice that I’m eating only carbs with a side of goat.
I am too surrounded by people to ever get a second of alone time (listening to my ipod with my eyes closed is my new alone time)
I am too dirty to ever get the bottoms of my feet back to their original color.
I am too sweaty and sticky to even try to keep make-up on my face.
However, I love my tent. It means personal space and my own tiny little house. I love living on a beach. I love walking outside the gate to see little faces smiling up at me, wanting to play. I love blessing others through our ministry. I love cold showers after sweating all day. I love the hands that so lovingly prepare all three of our meals every day. I love having some of my (now) closest friends around to laugh and hang out with every night. I love the challenges and encouragement my teammates give me. I love the feeling of working so hard all day that I am completely and thoroughly exhausted by the end. I love the sweat and dirt and scrapes that prove my hard work.
Now, (already) I am too wrecked, too changed to ever go back to the way I used to be.
I am too consumed by the amount of need there is to continue being self-conscience, self-absorbed.
I am too desperate in my journey to go deeper with Christ to accept mediocrity any longer.
I am too enveloped in the love Christ has for me to not share it with others and show it through my actions and my words every day.
I am too filled with the joy I have in Christ to walk in anything other than that; and in boldness and love.
I can never go back to my life as it was. I want to live every single day knowing that I am in God’s will. I want every bit of my talents and gifts and my physical being to be exhausted, as I attempt my very best for Him every day. I want people to look at my life and see Christ’s love and joy exuding from me. Because really, this isn’t my life. It never was. Every thing I’ve been given, every breath is and always has been His. While what I’m doing can sometimes be challenging, I would do it every day for the rest of my life if He told me to. I have never walked in His freedom like this before. I know, sincerely know, what its like to be complete and filled with His joy. He stretches me and grows me every day without fail. I have learned more about His love firsthand than I ever have before. I am so incredibly grateful for His grace and His love. I’m thankful that He’s buried my past, and holds my future because, truly, this isn’t my life.
**Videos from the last of the DR and a recap of Haiti are going to be posted soon!
