7 months ago, I stepped into a new realm that I did not expect upon my World
Race acceptance. My thoughts and expectations were not specific when I accepted
a call into the mission field. I knew having them would be foolish. As open as
I thought I was, I am finding that there have been deep seeded assumptions that
have been lying in the soil of my life. Each presumption acted as a dormant
land mine, threatening each step I take into the unknown. The Race has given me
the excuse to grow enough courage to brave dangerous territory and step on a
few bombs. God’s grace just so happens to be one heck of a full metal
jacket.
I can’t lie… I LOVE IT.
There’s danger in civil warfare between you and you… your spirit vs. your
flesh. Literally, it’s war within you. The enemy is always ready for
attack, God is steadily providing arms by His Word, there’s healing, friendly
fire, and most of all… there’s times to fight and times to rest to prepare
for the next battle. The “pre-race” Lia’s relationship with the
Lord resembled more of a children’s game of internal cowboys vs. indians. All
the danger was fake and fabricated, all the hurts were quickly patched up with
a tickle fight, and although my imagination was real enough… the warfare
always stopped when I wanted it to. I could run away from the fight to
comfortable places. I needed them to soothe the reality that maybe loving God
JUST MIGHT BE DANGEROUS.
The level of risk involved in trusting God bleeds a self-manufactured fear into
how we see His identity. So many people pass up Jesus because they think He’s a
Gandhi wanna-be that preaches, “No war… it’s way too dangerous”.
Maybe it’s because He’s mistaken as a tyrant that wants to kick out every
gay/lesbian and pro-abortionist from His Presence because they aren’t wearing
their righteousness robe. Even worse, I think some see Him as a democratic
president, taking a vote of the people as to how God should behave. Now, I read
these words and realize how ludicrous it sounds, but I wasn’t always this way.
I think, in some aspect, I’ve viewed God in all these ways within me. For a
brief amount of time in my early years, God was a pacifist; I only saw the
things He liked about me because anything else would cause strife and ill
feelings… all the things that bring war. In high school, He was a tyrant. All
acts of non-uniformity would be treated as hostile environment. I
consider it as grotesque as the Holocaust. I thought my holiness (or actions
that made me holy) as the Germans, and all the nasty Jews that represent
failure must be “dealt with” accordingly. Then in college, democracy
ruled the land. I listened to all thoughts on God from a Christian point of
view, then began to piece my final ideas after accepting the most popular
votes. The danger was found in finding it out for myself. It’s so much easier
to accept what someone else thinks. I know this all throws my
first-impression of holiness in the ditch a bit… but all I can say is that
its truth. Let’s all put a handclap together and thank God that He’s bigger
than my presumptions!
The past several months, I have declared war inside of myself. I’ve had to take
all that my skin says I know and throw it into the middle of the battle zone. I
feel like I should be playing with GI Joe’s as I even write this blog… but
friends… the sooner we realize that the spiritual battle starts within US is
the point in time when we’ll be more equipped to fight it among our families,
our communities, our nation and our world. The quickest way to dissolve a
movement is to have it internally combust and Satan is on a rampage between our
ears.
There’s a song called “Poison and Wine” written by the band Civil
Wars (ironic, huh?). The lyrics can be heard in so many different ways. It’s a
song that’s written about a couple that have standing contradictions in their
relationship. “I wish you would hold me when I turn my back”,
“your hands can heal, your hands can bruise”, “your mouth is
poison, your mouth is wine”, “I know everything you don’t want me to”.
The thought that our most treacherous evils can co-exist beside God’s
magnificent grace still floors me. It’s what the Civil Wars are explaining when
they sing to each other. We are capable of so much destruction, and most
likely, have already staked claim in that area as innocent as we pretend to be.
BUT. The war starts when we see that God has victory over ALL dominions, even
the neighborhoods that lie inside the walls of our cranium.
The most disturbing and freeing concept that I have learned during these months
of personal bloodshed is that God brings order to our chaos, and war is the
epitome of chaos. He invades us to bring the battle to our home turf. The
freeing part is that His peace over-rides all the junk. The disturbing part is
learning about all the chaos that can find residence inside myself.
SO. After this heavy, heavy blog… admit that there is a war inside of you. Go
ahead and say out loud that each day is a choice to allow God to assassinate you.
Raise the white flag of surrender and LET GOD WIN. It’s not like we even have
to “let” Him… He actually already has! There’s power in words,
though. Daily, I speak God’s victory over my life to hear it echo in the room
and in my mind so that I know it’s real. He is my Champion, my Savior, and my
God.
“…AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD
YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS.” -PHIL 4:7
