Stuck. Alone. Miserable. Dark. Empty.
Confused. Trapped. Abandoned. Isolated.
These are some of the words that best
describe the feelings that often accompany depression, a major hurdle I have
personally dealt with off and on for the past ten years of my life. The first time I experienced the “dark
fog,” as I often call it, was as a high school sophomore. Ever since that first bout, I have
sporadically suffered multiple others.
Most recently, this month I have been dragged back into the dark pit of
despair and hopelessness. I confess
that I had a premonition that I would experience some degree of depression
while on the race, and maybe that thought somehow set me up for it. Thankfully, I now feel that I have been
set free from that bond (see my next blog, “True Freedom”), but the hardest
part of this past month was feeling like God was distant and had no interest in
the fact that I was once again experiencing a condition that I have come to
fear greatly in life. I now know
that He was indeed with me every step of the way.
As a psychology major, I have a unique
perspective in that I believe there is much more to mental illness than a
simple chemical imbalance in the brain.
I am a firm believer that more times than not there is a significant
spiritual component involved.
Having been given the gift of spiritual discernment, I have literally
sensed demonic oppression over me during those particularly dark times, this
month included. It makes sense
that Satan would try to attack us in that way; that he would shut us down and
isolate us so that we can no longer be effective for the kingdom of God. It is up to us to first acknowledge
those attacks and then to come against them in the name of Jesus.
Perhaps you are no stranger to depression;
in fact, most people deal with this debilitating condition at some point in
life. It truly is like being stuck
in a fog that is so thick you cannot breathe, move, or even think. All you want to do is sleep because it
seems to be the only escape from reality.
A common symptom for me is that I tend to isolate myself from
others. Suddenly I have nothing to
say, as if my jaw were wired shut, allowing no words to escape. That has been an ongoing issue for me during
the past couple of months, even contributing to a sort of writer’s block with
blogs and journaling. I now
realize that was just another tool of the enemy to keep me quiet. I encourage you, if you are going
through the “dark fog” to please say something. Don’t allow yourself to stay silent. Yes, healing can be painful, but it
only comes through a willingness to open oneself up to it. Don’t sit alone in your misery and
loneliness, but allow God to pull you out of it.
“I waited and waited and waited for
GOD. At last he looked; finally he
listened. He lifted me out of the
ditch, pulled me from deep mud. He
stood me up on a solid rock to make sure I wouldn’t slip. He taught me how to sing the latest
God-song, a praise-song to our God.
More and more people are seeing this: they enter the mystery, abandoning
themselves to GOD.”
