naku penda. “i love you” in swahili. the language of the place i would have been traveling to right now if i was in my original route with gap year. the place i would have called home for the next 3 months with the people i would have called my squad, my team, my family.
i think it’s time to be vulnerable…
it’s been a couple months since i’ve known i wasn’t going to leave on this trip i had been preparing for for so long, but i’m not going to lie, it’s still hard. and quite honestly, i’m still heartbroken. i’m still hurting. still grieving. and i’m so thankful for the opportunity i still have to go to india and nepal for 3 months and i am so excited for that. but most days it feels like i’ve been putting on a brave face and just making it through. i’m not living like i feel like i should be. i am not living like i want to be. i am not living like a person who is about to spend 3 months of their life serving God and serving people ought to be. i am not living like someone i am proud of.
i’m not running toward God in the midst of this heartbreak i’m running away and can i tell you that it is 1000x worse because of it? can i tell you how i’ve done things these past few weeks that i told myself i’d never do, and how i didn’t feel bad about doing them until i cried myself to sleep remembering.
i am sad. i am lonely. i am crushed. i miss my friends i miss my family i miss going to school and being a kid and i miss my squad. lately it just feels like one heartbreak after another. repeatedly.
i am looking for validation in all the wrong things and it’s not because i want to feel pretty or worthy or loved. it’s because i feel like i deserve the way doing these things makes me feel afterward. terrible. broken. disgusting.
i do not feel like a friend. i do not feel like a sister. i do not feel like a daughter. i do not feel like a home.
i’m scared and i’m angry and i’m hurting and i’m pushing away from God instead of towards Him because i can’t help but feel like He is the curator of all of these things. and all of this because of a simple “no”. i feel like a toddler who didn’t get their way and leapt straight into a month long tantrum. i am not happy with myself. i am not proud of me.
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i wrote that first part a couple weeks ago. it hurts reading it back.
i went to church for the first time in a while yesterday. i learned that i have a lot of digging to do. i’ve let my well dry up. be filled with dirt and rubble. i don’t want to do that anymore.
i’m still disappointed with myself. for the things i’ve done. mostly with the way i let myself wander away from the Father after one little thing didn’t go my way. but i’m trying to forgive myself for that. and i’m trying to forgive Him for saying no.
i feel like not that many people talk about being angry at God. which is probably why i hated myself so much for feeling that way. but i couldn’t help it. i was mad. i was hurt. losing gap year was the greatest heartbreak of my life thus far and i couldn’t help but be mad at God. i don’t know why. maybe because he let me fall so in love with something just to tear it away? or because he gave me a resounding “yes!” just for it to be a “no” in the end? i don’t know. but i don’t want to hide the hurt. i want to be honest and honestly, i was angry at God. and myself. and i think that’s okay.
we aren’t always going to understand Him or His plan. we aren’t always going to agree with it either. and i think it’s okay to be upset by it. to be hurt by it. but i also think i need to accept the fact that maybe i didn’t do enough to ensure my place on the trip. i could have worked harder. i could have poured every penny i earned into my fundraising account instead of buying lunch that one day or that cute shirt i saw at target. but i didn’t. and maybe that’s okay too. because maybe all of this was a part of His plan. or maybe plans change according to how we choose to live our life. which route we take. anyway:
i’m finally accepting this loss for what it is- a loss. i was grieving. i was heartbroken. i did things i’m not proud of. but i’m ready to clear my well of debris. i’m ready to start drinking again from the water of life. i’m ready to see what the Lord has in store for me this next year even without going on gap year. i’m ready to see just how amazing it’s going to be anyway. because even after everything: life is still beautiful. still sweet. and i‘d love to fall in love with it again.
so kwa heri gap year. La k`xn. adiós. goodbye. i have loved you and the things you’ve taught me and the people and words you’ve gifted me with. i wish route 6 all the luck in the world in swaziland, thailand and nicaragua. let the world see the light that is all of you.
and lastly, namaste. namaskara. hello india and nepal. i can’t wait for what you have in store. see you in january.
i know this was a very very long blog post. and i know it was kind of heavy. sorry for that. but on a brighter note, as i said i will be spending 3 months in india and nepal with world race: semesters starting in january and still need to fundraise for that so if you want to donate, there’s a lil “donate” button at the top! or if you would like to pray with me and for me and my new squad as well as my old squad, prayers are always welcome. until next time.
many blessings and much love,
lexi <3
p.s. if you want to know what i’m referring to with the “well” and such, i’ll link the live stream from church the other day if you wanna watch it.
