i haven’t posted in a while because i didn’t really know what to talk about; however, recently i’ve been thinking a lot about what i’m afraid of:
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bugs
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heights
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people
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growing up.
etc. but mostly thinking of the last one. you see, i know what everyone says about how “God’s got great plans for your life” and all the other typical things but those words don’t help me much. they don’t dry my tears or calm my anxiety attacks or rub my back when i feel so sick thinking about what happens after high school that i feel like i’m going to puke. and yes, i am forever grateful and thankful and blessed that the Lord called me to gap year and i CANNOT WAIT for it because it will be amazing and He will do amazing things.
but. that doesn’t change the fact that i’m still terrified. i’m scared what will happen after high school. i’m scared what will happen after my trip. i’m scared what will happen everyday leading up to everything else i’m scared of. i’m scared of leaving. my home. my family. my friends. i’m scared that when i come back after 9 months i will have nothing to come back to because everyone else will have moved on with their lives. and moved on from me. forgotten i even exist. i’m scared to grow old. to become a wife. a mother. i’m scared to maybe become neither of those things. i’m scared to be thrown into a world of violence and hate and have it eat me alive. i’m terrified of the future in general.
and i was scared to pray about it. because i do know all of the things people say about God’s plan. and i know that Deuteronomy 31:8 says “He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” i know this. and yet i was scared to pray about it because i knew those things, and they didn’t help me like i thought they should have. i was ashamed that the word of God didn’t comfort me. i was scared something was wrong with me because of that. i was scared i was “getting bad again”. i wrote a little poem a while ago about this and thought i’d put it in here:
“what do you do
when you’re drowning in tears
suffocated by the fears
of the oncoming years
what can you say
if you’re slain by sorrow
wishing to borrow
a clock
that never reaches tomorrow
how can i pray
if i’m feeling this way
my mind is astray
thinking of yesterday
how can i overcome
the thing that terrifies
me most
in life:
growing up?”
i know now the only reason those words everyone said didn’t cast away my fear like i thought they should have was because i was blocking them. i was too focused on my fear that i was listening to these things about why i shouldn’t be afraid and i was reading these things on how God will never leave me. but i wasn’t believing them. instead of focusing on Him and his word i was focusing on me and my fear. instead of allowing Him to bring me the peace i asked him for so desperately, i locked myself away- in the dark, alone- in exactly the place i was pleading with God to lead me out of. i was letting my fear control my life. asking God save me from the exact thing i was giving power to.
today (1/30/19) i told my teacher that my biggest fear in life is growing up. and he said something that really put this whole thing into perspective for me. he said “me too”. and i realized that the only difference between me and this 50 year old man is that he decided a long time ago to push through the fear. to not let it cripple him and keep him from truly living. no one knows exactly what will happen in life or where they will end up, but they have faith that it’ll all work out.
so, what i’ve decided is to stop letting fear take the wheel and to let God be in his rightful place in my life. and yes, the unknown still troubles me and i still don’t know what is going to happen as i grow up and that worries me as well, but i have faith. i have faith in God and his plan for my life and i have faith that he will be there when i get knocked down by the fear of “what happens next?” sitting with me, until i can get back up again. i have faith that he will remind me everyday that it is okay to be afraid, so long as i put my trust in Him and focus on Him more than my fear because i know that He’s got me and that nothing will stand in the way of the will of God.
so many months ago when i wrote that poem i asked “how can i overcome the thing that terrifies me most”. but i think i already knew. in fact i’ve always known. i do not have to overcome it. God already has. fear is of the world and the Father has overcome the world so as long as i keep my focus on Him rather than what i fear, i’ll be okay. i‘ll be okay.
sorry if that was too long or not good but make sure you hit that subscribe button and if you feel called to give, you can donate right here on this website 🙂
many blessing and much love,
lexi <3
