January- My cup was full, but I was empty. It’s easy to capture a photograph of you and your boyfriend looking more in love with each other than the world. It’s not so easy to capture the constant doubts of if he really loves you for you or for your body. It’s easy to capture a photo of a group of friends and you laughing, having what seems like a great time, only for you to truly know the photo was almost as faulty as the friendships. From an outsider looking in though my life seemed nearly perfect. I even almost convinced myself it was. But I knew that the emptiness I felt every night before I rested my head was not normal. My heart was aching for a love that I wasn’t receiving. I prayed every night that the Lord would reveal to me why my heart was so broken.
March- I had no boyfriend, no friends, and prayed to God less and less. This was my life. It wasn’t getting better and that’s a realization that was hard to swallow, so I used alcohol to ease the gulp. If God loved me He wouldn’t allow me to feel like this. I was convinced I had tallied up too many sins and His hand stopped extending. How could I blame Him? I was a mess. I was looking for love anywhere I could. I couldn’t find it in a boy, it wasn’t at the bottom of a vodka bottle, and the people that called themselves friends only talked to me on the weekends to ask if they can sleepover so they didn’t have to go home drunk and deal with their parents. I wanted to die.
April- If it wasn’t for Ally telling my mom how I was feeling I don’t think I would be here. Ally, if you’re reading this; thank you. Thank you for being there when no one else was. Thank you for not caring about how mad I might be at you and caring more about me staying alive. After Ally told my mom, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Ally and I started praying together on top of hills and talking about who Jesus is and who we are because of Jesus. We spent more time in His creation, reminding each other just like He didn’t mistakenly make the hill we pray on top of, He didn’t mistakenly make us either.
July- I was at a Young Life camp, Castaway, convincing myself I was healthy again and only there to watch my friends grow in Christ. Although I still prayed and talked to God, I knew He had already given up on me. I knew my chance of a relationship with Him was over and that’s something I was learning to live with. At every Young Life camp, they give a sermon and then some quiet time following for you to open your heart to the Lord. Typically they allow you to go outside and sit wherever you would like, but this day was different. We were in the middle of a very wet, and dangerous tornado warning so we had to stay cooped in where our sermon was given. The girl next to me was sobbing, so I prayed for her. I prayed God would meet her where she was at, give her comfort, and remind her that she is His daughter.
When I was at lost for what else I should be speaking to God about I remembered during the sermon our speaker told us to be honest with the Lord. It was then, in that moment that I told God everything. I told the Lord how lost I was, how I’ve longed for His love, His forgiveness, His grace and hand on my heart. It was then, in that moment that God mended my brokenness with His love.
It’s December and so much has changed since I’ve seen this season last. I was so into what the world had to offer me that I allowed the devil to blind me from seeing what God was offering me in abundance. It was never God who had given up, it was me. Ever since July 17th, when I rededicated my life to Christ this passage has weighed significantly on my heart, 2 Corthinians 5:17 ‘Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!’ By the Grace of God, I have been made new. I am redeemed.
