Hi.
It’s been a while. There’s no WiFi up here.
There’s always been lots of knots on my rope. I’ve used this analogy before: the rope is my personality, and the knots are different problems. Abba and I, over the course of the Race and through life, are working on undoing and straightening the knots together.
I’m tackling two of the biggest knots, where it’s several knots tied on top of each other. I’m tackling Abba’s love for me and my knowing & accepting of that, and for me to lie still in Abba.
^^^
During the time of my writing this blog, there was a Hindi festival happening. They had had a man singing at the top of his lungs and cowbells, on the loudspeaker. It played all afternoon and all night. I had wanted to take a knife and cut the cord to the loudspeaker. It was so freaking L O U D. I couldn’t wait to go to sleep because it meant I wouldn’t hear it!!
Anyways, I’ve always been a lover rather than a fighter, and I adore people and the intricacies Abba makes in them. I love people’s laughs, their smiles and eyes and hair and I love telling them so, because no one ever realizes that those things are beautiful in them! But when it comes to myself, well, that’s something else. Something a squadmate, Lily, told me is that Abba calls me to JOY: to love Jesus first, others second, and myself third. Love for Jesus and other people I have on lock. Loving myself? Not so much.
Currently, I’d say I like myself at best. But love? I don’t know how to love myself – what does that even mean? It’s a work in progress for me, but it’s getting better. I need to lean on Abba only and only His love, and not on anyone else’s.
^^^
The second knot Abba and I are working on is for me to just be still in His presence. I’m a thinker and I’m a talker; my mind never shuts off. As such, I’m always wanting to do *something*. I feel useless otherwise. But as Abba has continually reminded me on the Race, I don’t have to be like that. Stillness doesn’t equal uselessness, just like action doesn’t equal usefulness.
I like escaping to the school roof to talk with Abba. I lie down and close my eyes and just pour out whatever I’m thinking of to Him. But I’m always gabbing TO Him; it’s only recently that I’ve learned I can HEAR Him. Which is still a work in progress, as all good things are.
^^^
I think loving myself, is by looking at my whole being fully, and praising Abba for myself. In always wanting to do something and feeling useless when I’m still, I’m stuck in having no patience or grace for myself. Cultivating those two qualities for myself is part of loving myself. Otherwise, I need to stop comparing myself to other people. How can I ever be satisfied with all the qualities and talents and passions Abba has given me, when I’m always looking at other people’s qualities? When I acknowledge mine, I get to realize the myriad of things Abba has given ME and praise Him for all of them and realize how much I like them!!
For example, I really like my ‘can do’ attitude! Abba helped me grow it more during the Race, and I really love my new-found willingness to do any job I’m given. Even if the job isn’t in my area of expertise, or I don’t want to do it, I’ll still perform to the best of my abilities without a complaint! Like, when I actually realize I have this ability, it’s so cool!! And to think I have even more and that Abba has given me all of these qualities , how can I not love myself as a being that Abba has poured His heart and soul into?
In being still, He wants to speak to me and reassure me, I know it. My mind is then just like, “But reading/listening to music/writing a story/etc. is better than lying still with Abba!” And for some reason, I *listen* to that nagging little voice.
I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll hear Him wrong, that all the words I write down in my journal are just coming from my head and not His Hands.
But as my wise squad leader Diana once told me: I can trust in the fact that Abba, who is the True Living God, wants to speak with me, and won’t just leave me floundering. He will speak to me and I can trust that fact.
I like having written words, so I want to ask Abba questions in my journal and then writing His answers down. I intend to do this more in the future.
Additionally however, when I DO write His answers down, I want to check those words with a trusted spiritual mentor (read: Diana or Courtney or Cal, Squad Y’s mentors) to make sure that the message is one of Abba and isn’t mixed up with something from me or from the devil.
Honestly, both of these issues came about because I don’t trust Abba enough. Here’s to giving Him my all.
Please pray for my little brother Noah and my mom Stephanie. They’re both having surgeries this summer.
Plunging into the Difficulties,
Cheyenne
