Welcome! For everyone who reads these blogs and wants to donate, thank you! I’m fully funded, but my SQUAD isn’t! If you’re moved to donate, do it for one of these people below!! Thanks!
Zoe: https://zoerowland.theworldrace.org
Rosie: https://rosieferris.theworldrace.org/?_ga=2.161727612.1705031216.1572600680-146664701.1572600680
Alaina: https://alainaclayton.theworldrace.org/?_ga=2.174694498.1705031216.1572600680-146664701.1572600680
Hannah: https://hannahhennings.theworldrace.org/?_ga=2.136424816.1705031216.1572600680-146664701.1572600680
Taylor: https://taylormorgan.theworldrace.org/?_ga=2.136424816.1705031216.1572600680-146664701.1572600680
Miranda: https://mirandafox.theworldrace.org/?_ga=2.133227598.1705031216.1572600680-146664701.1572600680
Abby: https://abbyneu.theworldrace.org/?_ga=2.94414172.1705031216.1572600680-146664701.1572600680
Austin: https://austinbuckner.theworldrace.org/?_ga=2.207875282.1705031216.1572600680-146664701.1572600680
Logan: https://logangee.theworldrace.org/?_ga=2.207875282.1705031216.1572600680-146664701.1572600680
Sarah: https://sarahgoodwin.theworldrace.org/?_ga=2.175235170.1705031216.1572600680-146664701.1572600680
Kenni: https://kenniedwards.theworldrace.org/?_ga=2.175235170.1705031216.1572600680-146664701.1572600680
Hannah: https://hannahasher.theworldrace.org/?_ga=2.175235170.1705031216.1572600680-146664701.1572600680
If you feel moved to donate, do so to these people! Check out their blogs while you’re at it! 😉
And now back to the show!
I sit on the couch in the common room, laying my Bible next to me. Before I even pick it up, I start playing with my nails. I keep eyeing my Bible, but bite my nails instead, teasing hangnails and ripping it off. A bead of blood swells along my pinky and i watch. The pain is a welcome relief to the thoughts swirling in my head. They disappear for a moment, but I’m starting to breathe faster, caught up in the flow of thoughts.
No one is around to tell me to stop, to get me to calm down and why am I in the common room at 6:30 in the morning and- I shake my head and snort. Swiping the blood along my wrist, I pick up the Bible and hold it.
Breathe in. Breathe out. My shoulders lower and my heart rate starts decreasing. Breathe in. Breathe out. I shake my head again and pick up my Bible. I lay it in my lap while I bite my fingernails again, keeping my head on Saul’s rivalry with David while my hands push back my cuticles. In a few minutes, I stop and hold my Bible, keeping my hands occupied. My mind is still fascinated with chewing on my hangnails though. I breathe in, and breathe out.
^^
This is a cycle I’ve gone through my entire life. I believe it’s one of my little ways to procrastinate on things that I don’t want to do – my hands need to be occupied with doing something, and if I don’t want to read the Bible at this hour, well, what else can I do? I’m actually doing this during this blog post – I keep on pausing, biting on my raggedy nails, and write again.
It’s a bad habit, and I’m left wondering, what’s the purpose? How can I stop this, or turn this habit on its head? What’s my intent behind doing this?
Lately, we’ve been talking about intention and directions, and I’ve been left with a lot of questions.
Currently, the squad is reading The Art of Listening Prayer by Seth Barnes. It talks about how to listen to God intentionally. I’ve always prayed the same way: I thank God for the small things I’ve noticed today (nature, my friends’ smiles, exotic food) and then launch off into a list of my needs. It’s always felt like talking to air, sort of. I know God is there, I know He hears me, but I’ve never heard Him. Then, Rozy (one of our Squad Leaders) said something at Training Camp that I’ve never forgotten.
“Prayer isn’t a monologue, it’s a dialogue.” A monologue is where one character talks for paragraphs, never allowing someone else to say something. A dialogue is a back and forth conversation. So, prayer is supposed to be an equal conversation: I talk to God, and He talks to me. Okay, I thought, how do I hear God speaking to me? The Art of Listening Prayer answers that.
I wait. I pray, I ask God a question, and I wait. If I ‘hear’ something, and if it’s from God, it will align with Scripture and be different from my thoughts. But when I try to pray and wait, my mind still fills with thoughts.
Just random little things, static, and sometimes, I think there’s something from God. But it’s always been myself.
See, my thing is, I’m a go-getter. When I have a task, I work full speed on accomplishing it. But I can’t do that here. Here, this completely depends on God. My intent in my prayers before, I had been to just tell Abba about my day. I’m like a toddler, secure in my father’s arms, babbling about how my day has been. My father smiles and asks to hear more, or frowns and comforts me when I’ve had a bad day. But I’ve been jumping out of His arms before I hear His response.
If I want to hear God, to genuinely hear what He’s saying, I have to slow down and listen.
So how do I do that? This has been the latest problem I’ve been wrestling with. I want to hear Him so badly, but can’t figure out HOW.
And yet, that’s the point. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding;” ~Proverbs 3:5, I can’t do anything through ONLY my own efforts. God is the one who provides.
He even provided books!! If you read my past posts, my team has left Wildflower Home and moved to another ministry. We’re packing and moving boxes of BOOKS, sending them either to our host’s bookstore, where people can buy them free of charge(!!) or Burmese missionaries(!!!). And I.
Am.
THRIVING!! There are SO many times where something that’s been an issue at Wildflower Home (I’m too weak, I’m a burden, etc.)- I barrel straight through that problem! I don’t have the time of day for fear or anxiety! I gotta move these boxes! It’s been fantastic to realize that I’ve moved past these issues and taken a hold of my life once again.
But this is one problem I can’t just barrel through, but God provides. He literally made a book appear called, Discerning God’s Voice. What are the odds?
This is something I’ll be coming back to. It’s going to take time, but what good thing doesn’t?
Wrestling to Rest in His Arms,
Cheyenne
“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”” ~Lamentations 3:21-24
