I believe anyone can change, and that we are constantly given the opportunity to grow. I am consistently trying to find ways to be the healthiest version of myself and strive for growth because I know it’s always an option.
I went to TC (Training Camp) believing that I was in a pretty good state emotionally, spiritually, and physically. However, Jesus overwhelmed me and swept over me with His grace. And I lost myself. Not in the teenage-angst, “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life” type of lost. I lost myself in Him. I was still clinging to the cracks in the foundations of the life I used to live and the person I used to be. He knocked it down so that we could rebuild my foundation together. As cheesy as that sounds, if you’ve ever lived in intimacy with the Lord, you probably know what I mean.
I didn’t really even realize the walls I had, the bitterness that still flourished inside of me. Or maybe, I did and I couldn’t come to terms with it yet. Last December Jesus spoke to me and told me I needed to face my past and my childhood to be prepared for what was ahead. I have spent the entirety of this year trying to do that. That was before I knew what was coming, before I reconsidered the Race, and prior to truly loving myself.
The most powerful night of TC for me was the night we discussed forgiveness. Bill Swan spoke on the subject offering incredible insights such as “When you don’t forgive someone, it’s the same as saying Jesus was not enough…The Lord will never bless your bitterness and will not align with you in that space.”
“We are ministers of reconciliation.” When Bill said this, it was like comprehending my role in the Kingdom for the first time. Disciples are ministers of reconciliation. I want to be a disciple that makes disciples and reconciles.
I had forgiven the one person that had caused me more pain than I believed I could endure. I used to get sick with thoughts of running into them. It’s the relationship my bitterness exuded from and anger took roots inside of me. However, I had forgiven them. Then, as I was sitting in this room listening to Bill, I kept thinking of this relationship. I had forgiven, but I still allowed bitterness to reside inside of me when they were brought up. Any form of reconciliation was repulsive to me.
He asked us to write a letter filling in the blanks with their name and what exactly we were forgiving. I never expected what happened next. I lost it. I fell apart in remembrance of the rejection and shame I felt from this relationship. Memories from the hold the enemy had on me for far too long lingered inside of me in the moments before I put the pen to the paper. My squad mate Julie was sitting next to me and gave me a hand of comfort.
Then, she stood in for this person as I read this one page letter with shaking hands and trembling murmurs. I have never said the words of forgiveness aloud. I never told that person I forgave them. I think it was a mix of shame, fear, and it gave me an out so that I could go back to holding it against them when I needed someone to blame.
I wept and I felt the pain like a continuation of scraping out the throbbing wound to allow it to heal. Julie held me. She wept with me. She spoke truth into me. She brought me to the Father and asked for His comfort, peace, and grace to consume me. And then…He did. And the sobs were soon drowned out by His mercy.
Those are the facets of the Father I chose to accept for the first time. Jesus did bold and beautiful things for me that night, and the other nine days of TC. However, the truth is that He has been doing magnificent things for me and through me for a very long time; I’m just finally choosing to accept it. And this passion, this mighty fire has welled up inside of me and it’s like falling in love. I’m chasing after Him. Here in Portland, and then eleven more countries. I cannot wait to see what He wants to show me in this next year where my entire life will be saturated with meeting Him and growing in love. I long for the inevitable desperation for Him; and that’s where He is taking me.
(This is Julie and me before our Squad Wars at TC!)
