I’m sitting in the last few hours of 2016. A year that was trying, beautiful, chaotic, and worth every moment.
I’ve been home for a month now. And as I sit reflecting on the last year of my life, all I can think about is the water. All I see is water.
I’ve always tried to live life life head first into my fears. That’s one of the reasons I left, because I was scared to.
I’m what you might call a Classic Avoider. I avoid situations and people when I don’t know how to approach it. I try very hard not to do this with God, but often since I’ve been home I find myself apologizing for trying to avoid a few things with Him. So, this last week I put it all out on the table. I told Him everything I’m afraid of, and it was a pretty long list.
When we were in Cambodia, my team and I went on a boat. There was a diving board. It’s not something I ever really put much thought into, but looking back I have always been afraid of heights and water, especially when they’re combined. My teammate Josh tried everything he could to inspire me to jump, but I stood paralyzed with fear as the boat started reeling in to set off again to the next island. I never jumped, and neither did he. It was one of the most sincere moments someone has ever given me.
I wanted redemption, and the Lord brought it to me. Three months later I stood behind a diving board that set out above Lake Nicaragua the day after our squad arrived in the place my heart fell for three years prior.
Josh again tried. Lene tried. And after a long while, I jumped. There were more water opportunities that month which led to more pep talks from Josh and Lene, all ending in me jumping. I remember so clearly Lene asking me “You have all this fear, and then something inside you clicks and you just jump. How can you skip past all of your fear, and just do it?” I didn’t know the answer to that.
Two months later we were in El Salvador about to go cliff diving. I jumped out of the boat, climbed the rocks, got to the top, and paused. I asked where Josh was, and he was right behind me. Julie asked him to give me a pep talk, but instead, we both knew what that moment needed to be. We made eye contact for a split second, I turned, and jumped forward with a terrifying scream belting out before I crashed into the clear blue water below me. I knew that moment wouldn’t have come without Josh and Lene’s persistence and unfailing love.
So, as I sit here and reflect on the year and what’s to come, I think of the water. I think of the heights. You see, there are so many things that scare me. But when I think about this year, not even specifically the physical aspect, it was a year of jumping. I had moments of turning my hurt into bold and specific prayers, making my “I’ll pray about it” to “Never mind, Yes. I’ll do it.”, to “Wait! I can share”, amongst thousands of other things. This year, I learned how to skip past the fear and jump.
We may not always clear the rocks, and sometimes the water hurts when we hit it. But imagine the climb to the top. Grabbing wet rocks, your bare feet plastered in mud from the recent rains, pulling on tree limbs to get higher. And that moment when you look out, and you’re breathless from what’s behind, what’s in front, and what’s below. You pause, you acknowledge the fear, and then you shut your eyes tight and spread your arms wide and the remaining breath rushes out of your lungs as you’re overwhelmed by the water.
You kick and push your way back to the surface, gasp for breath, and look at the jump you just took. And you’re ready for more.
As I think about the year to come and what the Lord has given me undeniable heartache and unconditional love for, I wonder why I’ve avoided it. For every jump I have taken in His name, I have gained more breath to propel me back to the surface. He is always faithful. He is always good. Every jump meant a little more faith.
Sometimes the beauty is in the attempt. But I have been attempting my whole life. I’m living in the jump now. I look back at this year, and I know that I let go and took the jumps. And I didn’t think I was ready for any of them. Not a single one. But I know that with very jump, the Lord claimed more of me. So, 2016, you were the fire. But, I became branded by Him. Here’s to the woman I left behind when I got on that plane to South Africa in January 2016; I’ve never been so at peace leaving someone in the past. And here’s to the woman who stepped off the plane in Portland in November 2016; I’ve never been more honored for the process and who I have become. 2017, I may be unprepared for when you enter into my life, but I have never been more equipped.
“I stand in total wonder at the display before me. The best things truly come when you have the patience to endure.”- Tyler Knott Gregson
