Last night as I was about to go to sleep after a full day of ministry, I saw something. This month we have wifi (when the electricity works), and I came across a status posted by a friend. It was not just the status that surprised me, but the comments that followed. It erupted several emotions of sadness and I started talking with my team about how strategic the enemy is. How deceitful, but man how tactful and intelligent he is. I’m from Portland, OR and it was so interesting to share my personal experiences with my fellow teammate Denise who is from Houston, Texas.
Personally, how I have felt growing up in the PNW (especially from the Portland Metro area), it is insane to me how the enemy works there. Quite often, if I tell someone my opinion without first prefacing that I am open to their opinion, then it’s as if I am directly telling them that they are wrong (Don’t get me wrong, the people there have beautiful hearts and it is my home. I adore Portland and the people who live there). We have handed over our ability to have and to share authentic and firm values, to make sure everyone feels comfortable and walks away unoffended. We have decided that being open-minded to new “values” is the equivalent to wisdom, maturity, and love.
Denise, on the other hand, has the opposite problem. Most people from Houston in her experience, are conservative. She deals more with trying to negate legalism, while I deal more with trying to explain why God is not our greatest hindrance; ‘acceptance’ is.
It’s as if the road to Jesus is Rainbow Road on Super Mario, anything other than driving as fast as you can to Jesus will have you falling off the edges only to begin again; drowsy and confused.
To be real with anyone reading this who doesn’t know Jesus: I do not live a life with Him and tell people about Him because I want everyone in the world to follow what I think is best and right. I do not thank God and talk to Him because I am trying to seem Holy. Here’s the thing; I am Holy. Whether you know it or believe it; I know who I am. God says I am Holy. And if you have faith in Him, YOU ARE TOO! Holy does not mean I am better than you. Hahaha…I mess up every single day. Holy means pure in the eyes of the Lord. He does not look at me and see transgressions against Him; He looks at me and sees me clean and in His light. The reason I want people to know is because I can see the hurt in the people around me, and I can see the solution of hope right in front of them.
I literally mess up every day. Let me tear myself down from the pedestal that I get put on because I am a Christian. I will gladly tell you my story of how I grew up believing I was a disappointment to everyone in my family and how that caused me to fall and feel ashamed in various aspects. I can also tell you the best part, when I finally learned to love God back and how He took that shame and condemnation a long time ago, and that I was carrying it all for nothing. Pain to solution of hope.
I am a woman who messes up everyday with my words, my thoughts, and my actions. I am a woman who is constantly asking God how else I can love Him, how else I can love the people around me, and how else I can love myself because He created me too. How can I see myself in truth that I mess up and tell the world about it, but also tell the world that I am daily redeemed by the one who shaped our hearts?
How much the Lord has used me in that. You want to know what it looks like for me on this end? It looks like apologizing to someone because God has convicted me (which does not mean condemn or cause guilt- neither are from Him), and I humble myself and let go of my pride even when it’s hard.
Want to know what it looks like from this end? It means coming from Portland, I have many gay friends, friends who use & abuse drugs, who have hurt me, who deny God. And because I don’t have all the right answers, all I know to do with that is to love them. God asks me to love them.
I cannot hold you to the same standard because you have not chosen the same life; Jesus. Does it mean I will give you the needle, let go of my boundaries and give full trust if you’ve hurt me, and tell you how you should be ashamed? Absolutely not. I will not condemn, but I will also not condone; neither is love.
I am tired. I am tired of hiding behind the identity “Christian”. I am tired of people seeing me and seeing someone who has all these grand adventures but misses the fact that these grand adventures are not the reason for this year- or my life. I am tired of staying silent while I watch the people I love stray further from the truth and blindly stumble into more pain. You want to know my struggles? You want to know all the ways I have messed up, have hurt someone, or have gone against what God wants me to do? I would not have enough time to write them and stay current. But I will tell you what I can to give you an approximation of how screwed up I was and am, to show you the alarming redemption the Lord has created in me.
Christianity does not equal perfect, right, or Holy. Jesus equals perfect, right, and Holy. Hello my name is Leticia, and I am not Jesus.
He does not want you to follow rules. He wants you to love Him back. God asks us to not do certain things…do you ever wonder why? The things He asks us to do or not to do, are actually GOOD for us! “Don’t covet your neighbors wife”, can you imagine the pain and devastation that would cause? It’s out of love He asks these things, and He invites us to respond with obedience out of love. Not out of obligation.
This Jesus that I love, man he’s more real than that bathroom floor I laid on while I called my friend Rachel telling her I wanted to kill myself four years ago. Jesus is more real than the World Race. He is more real than the 12 countries I will have lived in this year. He is more real than the boy I once loved, and the bottle I once clung to, and the job I once hated. He is more. He just wants you to look at Him and to acknowledge His love. He wants you to trust Him.
I tell you about Jesus because it’s like watching people about to fall off a waterfall that I could clearly see in front of them. What do you have to lose? Have you not experienced pain, loss, and emptiness already? You’ll still experience some of these things with the Lord, but it can be different. You can give it over. You can find true joy, you can make it another day with His strength, and find wisdom in His words. Jesus offended people. When he looked at things in light of eternity; He didn’t stop telling them even though He knew He would be arrested and killed. He kept going because it didn’t matter if people were offended as long as some of them would see the truth. He wouldn’t stop because He decided you and I were worth the beatings and the crucification. He already died for you, the ball is in your court. I promise you, he is currently fighting battles for you that you cannot even see.
I told the Lord, and then my squad in Malaysia, that I am done holding onto things that take my hands out of His. So, I am done taking on offenses, I am done holding on to hurt, I am done grabbing the weight of things and putting it on my shoulders. I am simply placing my hands into His and saying, “I cannot do this without you.” I am weak. I am broken. But He is strong, and He is my redeemer. He is my redeemer. I am made new.
Jesus risked in the name of the Lord to open eyes to God. So, I will too. People have to stop thinking of Christians as perfect. And Christians have to start being open about their struggles—more than non-believers are. We also need to stop allowing petty things getting in the way of loving people, myself included. We are set apart in more ways than one. We can’t connect with someones perfections, we connect through our brokenness. I think a lot of reasons people don’t want to look at God is because they see the cracked facades of Christians and decide God is that way too. Except He’s not. We are trying to love Him back, but I will always fall short of the glory of God.
If you look at me, look at where I fail. Look at the places and the cracks where I cannot reach. And watch how the Lord transforms me. Watch how the Lord uses me in that. That, is the Lord. When you see good in me, it is Him. If you put anyone on a pedestal, let it be Him. He is the only one who deserves it. If you look for Him all around you, you will undoubtedly find Him.
It’s the best damn decision I have ever made. That is why I tell you. Not for me…I know who I am. I know where I am going. Do you?
