I’ve always said I run off of three things; Jesus, music and coffee.
I feel like the past month has been a whirlwind. God has provided in magnificent ways; building my faith and dependency like never before.
I went to one of my girls last week, Lauren, who is on my squad and told her how I was having a hard time with worries of not being able to launch because of funds. I’ve always been the person who just believed things would work out; even without any idea as to how, but still I felt worried. She told me I should fast. She said something that struck me with a new perspective. “The Bible says to fast to show God that He is more important than (whatever you’re fasting from), and then when you fast, it releases God’s hands to move in your situation. And truth be told, it’s not people. It’s going to be God tapping on someones shoulder saying “Hey, donate to Leticia.” Not in your power but His. There is so much available to us, we just have to get revelations of what it is. We have authority, and we have to put ourselves in the position to let it flow!”
(Lauren and me at Squad Wars!)
So I thought about it for a couple of days, but I didn’t really ask God because I knew what He was saying. I had recently fasted from coffee, a feat I never imagined possible. I knew I wanted to show God He was my main everything.
Music.
Music is part of who I am. It entices every aspect of my soul. I always have music on. From work, to the shower, when I cook/clean, in the car, I used to play it when I slept but would mistake my alarm as music and wouldn’t wake up…so that habit had to stop. I am constantly swaying myself into the emotion of my music, and sometimes my music follows into the depths of me.
I didn’t realize this could be harmful until I felt God asking me to give up secular music for a while a few months ago, and I couldn’t. I have definitely made changes as to what I allow myself to listen to based on content and language, but still couldn’t manage to do it altogether.
So I decided Saturday after work was the time because I had the next two days off, I could stop listening to music entirely. Saturday after work came, and I hesitated. I kept driving. Finally I knew I had to just do it. I unplugged my phone and drove the rest of the 40 minute commute in silence. And I did not like it!
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still (Exodus 14:14).”
Silence.
I have convinced myself that music helps me concentrate. I pretend that I don’t know it can also lead to devastating distractions. I find myself praying in the car often. Then a song will come on, worship or otherwise, and I will lose track of my thoughts, and eventually my prayer will fade out and I will be singing and feeling along with whoever takes over my car with their harmonies.
My car is the only place that is mine, and yet I allow the music to be the center of it; rather than the Holy Spirit. I must have overlooked the moment when I allowed music to romance me more than the Father.
I went home and had to bake more pies for my fundraiser, and was trying to convince myself music would be alright, but I held tight to my convictions. Instead, finding a loophole, I opted to having my favorite movie play in the background. When it was over, I went to play another movie but it was hijacked by spam telling me that my Mac had a virus and it was useless the rest of the night. “I hear you” I mumbled to God. Silence. I baked in uncomfortable silence. I cannot tell you how many times I do whatever I can to make sure music is playing even when I hear Him whisper “Silence.”
It’s been just over 24 hours without it and I’m very uncomfortable. I have felt anxious since I pulled the plug, and I catch myself playing songs in my head trying to drown out the silence. So finally, I whispered my question to God…”Why does the silence make me so uncomfortable?”.
Intimacy
When I was in counseling, my counselor mentioned my fear of intimacy. We had other things to dive into, and so we tackled my fear of intimacy with friendships and left it there. Don’t let me down play that, it was a mountain to climb and a lot of days I find myself still hesitating on which part of the cliff to grasp on to.
I feel myself on edge as the silence consumes me with intimate talks with God. And it terrifies me. Ironically, He is the only one who knows me wholly, and yet I’m still afraid to let Him. I have had intimate moments with God. They are undeniably pure, joyful, whole, and all-consuming. And yet I realize now that I have never let Him take that further than mere moments.
At TC, my Squad mentor Megan came up to me and replayed a vision God gave her for me. She said she could see my jumping like playing jump rope. And God was saying “Higher, higher!”. “You know you’re holding back, don’t you?” she asked me over the worship band playing in front of us. “Yeah…I do.” is all I said. You see earlier that day, I felt like I needed to withdraw because I was getting too close to people too fast. Though I haven’t felt those feelings for a while, it always resurfaces. When she said this, I was thankful, but I used that as the reason and tried to force the feelings of withdrawing away.
(My squad mentor Megan and me!)
Now a month later, I realize it’s not what He was saying. Yes, that is part of the issue. However, that’s like pulling the leaves off the weed instead of pulling out the roots; it will only come back. In my silence, I see now what He was saying I am holding back from Him. And I was so distracted by preparing to leave, fundraising, working, goodbyes, etc. that I had yet to take a severe enough pause of silence to actually listen to what He has been saying to me.
I often ask Him to make things so obvious because I am so oblivious sometimes. And it devastates me that He was shouting, and I chose to have selective hearing in our conversation.
A lot of my story, has to do with my unhealthy relationship with my family. I have never felt safe. And as a result, I have never allowed myself to be fully intimate with anyone; including my faithful God. How patient must He be!
Even in this last year as I have become very open about my past and the things I’ve been through and done, I detach myself from it so that I cannot get hurt. As I look back on my life, I see what has destroyed a lot of relationships; fear of intimacy.
Psalm 63:1-8 “O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.”
This is the intimacy I long for, and have not been able to proactively seek. I need my soul to cling to the Lord, and not to things of this world; including things that create joy for me like my music. I know with every cell inside of me, that Jesus loves me. I know He will not forsake me. However, I am afraid to give myself to Him completely because of my track record. My biggest fear, the hardest feeling; not being enough and being a disappointment.
As I ask God to help me actually take me to where my trust is without borders, instead of just singing about it, I’m reminded of 2 Corinthians 3:5-6 “Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God, who also made us sufficient as ministers of the new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.”
I know now where to reside. It is in Him, that I become sufficient. He gives life. He makes me enough.
“Finally” I hear Him whisper, “I no longer need to shout.”
