During my first few days in Albania, my squad had its first debrief. Debrief is a time when the World Race gives us a break from ministry and a time to recharge and refocus on God. At this particular debrief, my squad focused on vulnerability. Over the course of our debrief, the 49 people on my squad poured out their hearts. People shared about past sins, current feelings, and hurts that have yet to heal. From eating-disorders to past suicide attempts to infidelity in relationships, my squad shared the good, the hurtful, and the ugly. We cried, we laughed, and we cried again. The message God gave over and over again remained the same. God kept saying, I love you. I will always love you. I know of your sins, and of your pains. Nothing can separate you from my love, for I have already paid the price.
As people stood up in our humid and non-air-conditioned room, bearing their deepest secrets to a room of 49 new friends, the reality of the world’s corruption became clear. The world (even the “church” too) says “Do not tell people about your struggles; they are your own, so deal with it on your own.” Loneliness is the weapon of the enemy. When you refuse to share your struggles, Satan begins to whisper lies in your ears, that you are the only one. We tell ourselves, if you keep your failures secret, you will keep yourself safe. It is enticing to believe, but it is still a lie.
However, there is freedom in truth. When you share your struggles, you can gain true community, accountability, and love. Imagine
“If your deepest, darkest secrets were no longer your deepest, darkest secrets?”
So here I go, I’m going to be honest and straightforward. Here’s my deepest, darkest secret (which I may elaborate on later, just not in this post): For a large chunk of my youth, I struggled with suicidal thoughts and self-hatred. I used to self-injure and self-abuse in other ways. But God stepped in time and time again, saving my life. While I continue to deal with depression, it’s not as intense as it once was, but it is something that I constantly have to guard myself against.
I know that God has plans for my story, and ways to use my past (and present) struggles to bring glory to His kingdom and I can’t wait to see what that is. I know that part of seeing those masterful plans required me to share my past. Speaking from experience it is not always easy to share, but it is so great when you let the light shine in the darkness.
