All this pain I wonder if I’ll ever find my way I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth Could all that is lost ever be found Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of us
-Beautiful Things: Gungor
this song is my anthem for Haiti.
sometimes when you find yourself running from god, placing distractions in your immediate view so you don’t have to think about those hard talks god wants to have with you, he will do whatever necessary to reach you. welcome to my month two of the world race.
I spent majority of Haiti in the “infirmary” room at Hope. I spent majority of Haiti laying on my side either throwing up or sleeping. I spent majority of Haiti talking to God about why this was happening. boy, did he have a lot to say about that last one. now I don’t think god gave me viral meningitis so I would be immobilized and suffer, but I do think He used that time of sickness to speak volumes to me.
it wasn’t until the second week of being sick that I realized God had his hand in this. I was talking to my teammate and I just broke down. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was so done with watching my squad go out into the village and create relationships with the locals, I was supposed to be doing that too yet I was stuck in dark room wishing I was anywhere but in Haiti. I kept asking what the point of me being on the race was if I was laid out on a mat all month.
I remember one night my team leader, Jess, and one of my squad leaders, Abby, came into the infirmary and told me they talked it over with the people at our ministry site and they thought it was best to fly me out for medical treatment in the states. in that moment I felt so much peace. “FINALLY” I thought. Just get me somewhere that will give me medicine, a quick fix, so I can continue on with my purpose for being here.
a couple of trips to the clinic and hospital and unsuccessful attempts at iv/meds and I was still there, laying on the mat, wondering where the heck this was going. problem after problem arose with me flying to the states and I got so frustrated I told abby “nevermind- I don’t even want to go to the states anymore. i’ll just stay here and slowly get better on my own.”
I was in tears I was so frustrated. frustrated that I was still sick, that nothing was working out and that everyone seemed to have their own opinion as to what was best for me. thankfully Abby has a wealth of patience and instead of buying into my anger, she challenged me. She sat me down and told me I need to figure out what’s going on in my heart. she encouraged me to write down everything I was hearing and to then identify if they were words from God or words from others. once I put the thoughts in my onto paper I was amazed at the lies I was believing about myself.
lies that told me I was weak and not worth the fight. ding ding ding– major identity issue here. so I took those to god. I asked him to examine my heart and pull out whatever needed to be dealt with and I wrestled with this identity problem. why did I think these things were true? I know I’m worth the fight. I know that God has given me all the strength I need. He continued to bring up situations where I let myself believe these lies and I saw how destructive that thought process is. I’ve spent majority of my walk with God holding on to these thoughts that at some point in time I ended up bringing them to life myself. I let that negativity grab hold of my heart and then I gave it a place to stay. It was so embedded into my life that I didn’t even know that I was allowed to believe in myself and the gifts God has given me. I gave those lies to god and told him to send them back to wherever they came from, they didn’t own me anymore.
I woke up the next morning still sick but my heart was already feeling lighter. I told Abby what i realized and how I gave it to God to handle and that i still felt like He was calling me to the states for treatment. The next couple of days we played the waiting game. we would make a little headway and then get struck down with another bump. Each time a problem arose, I pretty much came unglued. it was going on the 14th day of me still being sick and my patience had ended almost 13 days ago. I was irritable, crabby and crying pretty much all the time when good old Abby popped back in to challenge me some more.
After some more hard talks with God, He revealed quite a bit to me. like how I give up when things get too hard, how i was too dependent on the world and not on God, issues with identity and how i let other people redefine the person God has already made me and figuring out how to embrace who it is God made me. These are issues that won’t go away instantly but something I will be continually working on. I didn’t know they were even a problem until God uncovered them. now that i see them for what they are, i don’t want to waste any more time letting them rule my life and my walk with God.
That next day we found out that after some talking between AIM and the insurance company, the insurance decided they would fund my flight back to the states. That news was like a breath of fresh air. Within 24 hours I was flying into St. Louis where my parents were more than willing to pick me up. I immediately got into the doctors office to start the process of getting me better. after a week, I’ve finally been released and now I can start my journey back to the race.
Haiti, in hindsight, was a beautiful lesson. I could have chose to waste that whole month being upset about being sick (which i ALMOST did, thank you Abby for pushing me!) instead i chose to let God work through that time of being immobile. I think I can safely say that month two has been the most challenging learning lesson yet. but thank God that He has a way of making all things new. Turning any situation around for HIS glory. I told God I wanted this year to be a year of uncomfortable, of breaking chains and using me in any way to further his Kingdom and He has been faithful to that request. Even though this month didn’t look how I wanted it to, I would do it all over again because what I walked away with is far greater than the miniscule pain i dealt with.
I can’t wait to see what God does to my heart in the 8 months left on the world race.
He is SO good!
XX
