so I’ve been home for a few days shy of 2 months. it almost feels like I’ve never even been gone which is both a great and terrible thing.
re entry for me was what I like to call, a hot mess. I think on the outside I handled it pretty well. I mean there was no real outward breakdown. I never had a melt down in the grocery store over everything that was at my disposal, I didn’t freak out over the American church being so, the American church- I did, however, try driving on the left hand side of the road a couple times (my bad) and there was a couple of times when I went out with friends I thought “I hope this place has wifi so I can talk to my fri—wait”
re-entry was a bit more internal for me.
there were many sleepless nights and often days where I just laid in bed and watched Netflix and ignored the world. I was excited to see everyone but I instantly regretted not being on the field.
I think a part of it was I went from 60 to 0 real fast (a little bit backwards, right?) I went from constant community, constant pouring out, constant giving to….nothing. people asked about my race but honestly, I didn’t give many the option to. I didn’t really want to talk about it because I wanted the focus to be on anything BUT me. see, I know I did this amazing thing by traveling the world and serving others but it was so much bigger than that. i was traveling the world to not only grow my relationship with the lord but to allow others to see that love and to become a living part of it. except no one asked about that part. (*disclaimer- my family and my best friend Aly asked, they were the exception to that) they wanted to know what the prettiest country was, what my funniest memories were and where i would go back to. before I knew it my race was turning into something completely vain.
i learned that i can’t push blame on the people in my life asking these questions. these questions are perfectly normal, there is nothing wrong with wanting to know in what country it was that sang karaoke with principals or how many times i tried to wrongly teach English to kids in school. i should be grateful that people are even wanting to know about my trip much less invest in my stories. it’s not their fault that I’m feeling lost because I’m not on the mission field, it’s not their fault that they just can’t understand everything I’ve seen and done this past year (shoot, I can’t even understand everything I’ve seen and done this past year lol) so the moment i stopped pushing false blame onto the loved ones in my life was the moment i was able to sit down and dissect what it was i was feeling since being home.
i love America. (ask my teammate tanja, if i could, i would wear American flag clothing every day of my life 😉 ‘MERICA!) i love the opportunities I’ve been given in my life here in good ole Illinois. i love my family and the friends that have become family. but there is still something so HUGE that’s missing from this life I’ve started here in the states. while i was talking to my mom last night she finally put into words something I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around since i was a teen. she said something to the effect of-
“leslie, there are many people in this life who are okay with not knowing their passion. they’re okay with not knowing what makes them come to life. they’re okay with this 9 to 5, “American dream” and just going through what they know best. and then there are people like you who know they were made for something big. people like you who just aren’t satisfied with the typical life. people like you who won’t stop running until they find what that certain thing is.”
and that’s when the pieces fell together.
god didn’t wire to be normal. not that there is anything wrong with being normal, i just wasn’t made to fit that role. that’s why I’ve never chased any dreams here in the life I’ve started in America. it’s why i never got a boyfriend or got married, why i never finished college, why i never put a degree to what i wanted to do with my life. it’s because this whole entire time god has had something so radically different for me that it took me going on the world race, seeing his love, GIVING others his love, to bring his calling to life. he’s been waiting for me to see this for a long time now. and i can say, with a shaky yet sure heart that I’m actively pursuing this life of missions that he’s calling me to. i have no idea to what capacity that looks like, but i know it’s what he has said. so while i prepare for this next season of furthering my life as a missionary, I’m learning to be present in the moment I’m currently in.
I’m thankful for my time on the race. I’m thankful for the deepened relationship i got to experience with the lord. I’m thankful that the lord called me to speak to, love and encourage so many people across the world. i left so many pieces of my heart in the 11 countries i went to and i know the lord used us racers to impact their lives forever. it was only because of god that any of this happened, all glory to him. I’m thankful for beautiful endings and hard beginnings. this season of being home is bittersweet for me. i get to plug myself back into the community here. i get to be the hands and feet of god to my friends and strangers here in the states. although I’m ready to move onto my next adventure, i know that this current adventure I’m in is a beautiful one. i can’t wait to see what god makes out of me. as long as I’m in his will, serving for his glory, that’s all i need or want.
“to believe in Christ is to believe in the redemption and final glorification of men; and this faith is the best inspiration to a holy and useful life for the good of our race of the glory of God.” ~ Philip Schaff
