oh how Jesus has been working on my heart this month.
I was pretty resistant the first week I was here in Honduras, if I’m being super honest. I was challenged here in ways I didn’t want to be. I was called to be greater, to love harder and to extend more grace but I just didn’t want to. I wanted to go back to Costa Rica, to be back with people who I felt really loved and cared for me, and I them. I talked to my team about where my heart was at, how I didn’t feel safe, how I didn’t feel welcomed and how I just didn’t want to be here. I stayed in that mental place for about a week. even though I knew I felt the way I did, I was honestly praying that god would help me change, I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time because I couldn’t get over myself. I knew coming on the race there would be months I didn’t like but I was suppose to love through it. I realized that I didn’t know how to love through it and I had no idea what that even looks like.
so I prayed and prayed and had my team pray and pray and I continued to live in this “bad mood” until one day it just changed. I don’t know when it happened but I just remember waking up thinking “I can do this. I will do this. they are worth it.”
I was able to go into ministry and genuinely love on everyone there. My heart changed! Yes I still saw all the things before that made me unhappy but because god is so good he gave me the strength to fight past those feelings and love them through it.
Something god has been really working through me is remembering he’s there in every moment. He’s there through every tear. When I’m overwhelmed and overcome by suffering and pain, he’s there holding me. Although I may not always see him, he has never left. What’s even more beautiful than that is knowing the times I have turned away he has stayed with me, constantly pursuing and chasing after me. who else can I say that about? Who else can I say has loved me, unconditionally, through every broken and cracked piece of my life? No one. We are not capable of the unfailing love that only the father can provide.
But I am learning despite the fact that we can’t love perfectly like Jesus, we can surely try. We can wake up every day and choose to love like him even when it seems impossible.
So what’s the purpose in the pain? Jesus. He’s the reason to endure, to keep pushing forward. He’s the reason we allow ourselves to feel these bad feels. Because without his love and provision the why are we here?
so if you find yourself backed agains a wall just remember that there’s always a purpose in your pain and god will never waste that. Choose to keep seeing Jesus and trusting that he will carry you through, as he always does.
He loves you oh so very much.
