To protect the ministry and child involved in this story, his name has been changed. We shall call him Ben.
The first morning in Malaybalay I woke up to the sound of kids playing up the hill at the children’s home. It was a sound that I had missed since we had left Swaziland. I headed up to the home to meet the kids that we had heard so much about. The older kids were at school so only the younger ones were outside playing. I was greeted with wide-eyed stares and a few saying, “What is your name?” As I was meeting each one, I noticed a boy sitting in a stroller. I did a bit of a double take because he was much too big to need to be pushed in a stroller. Then it clicked, this was Ben. We had been told about Ben before we came. He is four years old and has cerebral palsy. I quickly made my way to him and told him who I was. It wasn’t long into my interaction with him that I knew that this boy was going to be very special to me. I went to bed that night and could not stop thinking about him.
After that, most of my time spent at the children’s home was centered around loving Ben as best as I could. I would hold him, push him in his stroller, and play with him as much as I could. I lived for the moments when I would walk up and he would hold his arms out for me and yell, “Ate, Ate”. (Ate means sister) I picked him up every time. There is no way I could resist. My heart would melt when I would tell him I loved him and he would say it back with the biggest smile on his face.
On Christmas Eve, my team and I helped host a party for all of the children. We played games, handed out candy, and then they opened their gifts. After the gifts were passed out, my eyes were glued to Ben. I watched as he sat on his knees and struggled to get the wrapping paper off as quickly as possible. The look on his face when he opened his remote control truck was priceless. He absolutely loved it. It was the biggest smile I had seen so far.
When it came time to leave for debrief, I wasn’t quite sure how to leave things with Ben. If I had my way, he would have just gotten in the van with us. But since that wasn’t an option, I decided to write him a note that he could keep. After I wrote it, I went to find him and we sat on a bench together as I read it to him. It started out with just me and him, but each time someone would walk by, he would call to them and make them come sit with us and listen. The rest of the morning he was showing each person that he saw that he had gotten a letter. He was so proud of it! The smallest gesture meant so much to him.
Then came the dreaded goodbye. I had told him a few times throughout the morning that we were leaving so that it wasn’t a big surprise when we had our goodbye. Ben got passed around for hugs one last time and then made his way back to me. I hugged him tight and told him I loved him so much. I then tried to set him down in his normal spot on the picnic table but he clung too hard to me for me to let go. I decided it was okay if I held him for just a few more minutes. Then I tried again. I hugged him, told him I loved him, and then attempted to hand him to our contact, Amber. He hung on again as tight as he could. This time he buried his head in my chest and wouldn’t look up. This is the moment where I lost it. The tears started streaming and my heart was breaking into a million pieces. Nothing inside of me wanted to leave that sweet boy. As I was wiping my own tears, Ben started crying as well. His wasn’t a calm sob though. He started crying so hard that I had to hand him to someone else. I kissed him one more time on the forehead and walked down the path to the van we were going to leave on. It was by far the hardest moment on the race so far.
The Lord used Ben to change my life. He allowed me to experience what it was like to love someone fully for the first time in my life. I walked away from Ben with nothing left inside; I had given him my entire heart. Through that I also learned what it was like to be filled up again completely by the Lord. I couldn’t have gone into month 5 using my own strength. Only by the grace of God am I able to love the new people I am meeting just as much as I loved Ben.
Another thing God showed me is that I loved Ben despite of his disability. When I looked at him I didn’t see cerebral palsy. I saw a 4 year old boy with a huge heart and an even bigger smile. However, I had chosen to not love other people in my life (family, friends, squadmates, etc) fully because of something I saw that was broken in them. I have been selfish and holding back from loving the way that Christ loves us.
I am so thankful for the moment that I met Ben and the many other moments that we had together. I walked away from him a different person than when we met.
I will no longer choose to love on a level that I think is appropriate. I will love each person in my life as fully as I loved Ben. I will give all of myself to each relationship and sit in wonder as God fills me up and allows me to do it over again.
