In June I felt like I was at a fork in the road. One path led to deeper intimacy with the community I am a part of in Gainesville and the other led to squad leading. It was a curious position for me because squad leading was never on my radar, but I couldn’t deny the passion the Lord was growing in me to do it.
As I stood at the fork trying to make a decision, I grew more and more anxious, more and more frustrated because I didn’t know the answer. I got to the point where I threw my hands up, turned around and sat on the ground. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I have a fear of being wrong. This manifested in me not wanting to make a decision because I feared it would be the wrong one.
During a worship session at Project Searchlight (an event we have for racers who have recently come off the field), a staff member asked, “How do you view God?”. We were supposed to share with someone else in the room. Honestly, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to talk about being frustrated or feeling distant from the Lord. I tried not to make eye contact and stand in the back, but someone found me. I answered the question reluctantly, but as honest as possible.
“I feel like God is the one who knows everything. He knows what my life holds…what I am supposed to do next. But instead of telling me, He is holding it in his hands up above my head, out of reach.”
I followed that with, “I know that isn’t an accurate depiction of the Lord, but that is how I see it right now.”
After the conversation ended, I pleaded with the Lord to tell me what to do. “Give me a word, a sign, anything!”
Silence.
“Lord, come on! Should I stay or should I go?”
“Lean in”, He said.
“Lean in? Lean into my community here?”
“Lean in”, He said.
I felt like I could finally breathe. I texted my roommates letting them know that we needed to talk that night. I told them what I felt like the Lord was saying; that I was committing and leaning in to wherever the Lord wanted to take us as a family. I told them I was all in and how I was going to lay aside the desire to squad lead because the Lord was leading me in their direction instead of that one.
A few weeks later, the gap year squad I had been mobilizing arrived at training camp. I went in slightly guarded because I knew parts of camp were going to hurt. I was going to go deeper with them and then send them on their way. I was going to fully invest and have to say goodbye to them in September. One night during worship, my heart felt like it was going to burst. I was so ready to dive in with them, but was standing at the edge of the water arguing with God instead.
“Why would you do this? Why would you bring me to this place? Why is my spirit not okay with this?”
He didn’t say much that night, but He did remind me to soak up the praises I was hearing all around me that were from His children. He gave me a glimpse of how He sees them and some affirmation that the work I put into getting them there mattered.
At this point I decided to just come to terms with the fact that it was going to be hard. I had joked about squad leading with a friend, but left it at that. I tried not to have too many serious conversations about it because I knew it would only make it harder.
That was until someone in leadership brought it up to me. I think she was halfway joking, but I responded with, “Actually, I’ve been thinking and praying about that for awhile now.” That conversation reawakened something in me. I went back to the Lord.
“I thought you told me no, but was I wrong? Am I supposed to leave Gainesville? Leave this community? But I just got here! Why did you let me choose in to my community if that isn’t what you wanted?”
It was a long on-going conversation that lasted a few days, but the end result was God saying something along the lines of:
“I didn’t make you choose. You saw the fork in the road when I wanted you to see an open field. I actually wanted to give you both, but you were so focused on making the right decision that you couldn’t see it. Go, invest in your community and invest in this squad.”
It was obvious in a few different areas of my life that He had been preparing me for this all along. He answered my questions with grace.
He let me be wrong and He let me learn from it.
I had to go back to my group of friends and tell them I was wrong. I hated it, but they responded with just as much grace as the Lord.
“Don’t ever think you have to choose between us and something else the Lord is saying. You have us as you prepare, while you are gone, and when you get back. We are your family.”
Through this whole thing I learned that I need to have grace for myself. I am going to fail, I am going to misspeak at times, but the Lord is bigger than all of those things. Our mistakes aren’t big enough to mess up His plans. If we are running after Him, He will gently change our course when needed.
I’m thankful for this lesson now more than ever as I prepare to lead Gap H. I am going to constantly need to have grace for myself as I figure out what being a squad leader looks like. Grace enough that when I fail, I can stand just as confident as when I succeed.
I am so thankful for the opportunity to lead Gap H for 9 months! BUT I can’t do it alone. I need to raise $4,550 to be able to pay for gear, vaccinations, and personal expenses while I am squad leading. If you would like to give toward these things you can use venmo (@Lesley-Dennis) or Paypal ([email protected])! Feel free to contact me if you have any questions!
