When I started this adventure, I said it was all worth it because of the participants. All the travel days, the logistical work, the long phone calls, the hard decisions – it was all coated in hope that what I was doing had a purpose in each one of their lives. I was willing to sacrifice nine months of my life for them, because they were worth it, right?
(I think the appropriate and acceptable answer would be, “Of course, yes!” – but I don’t really care about appropriateness.)
WRONG.
Gap H – hear me when I say I love you with all my heart, each and every one of you. I am so blessed that you are in my life and that I get to journey with you (and I would do it a million times over), but you aren’t what makes it all worth it – and I think that most of you, if not all, would agree with me when I say that.
Squad leading isn’t worth it because of the participants. Squad leading isn’t worth it for the growth I have experienced. Squad leading isn’t worth it because of ministry.
Squad leading is worth it because God asked me to do it and because He gets glory through the obedience of His people.
I couldn’t have said this at the beginning, but now I truly believe it with all of my heart:
If every second of work I put in went unnoticed, if I was never a part of what I saw as fruitful ministry, and if I never saw tangible results in the lives of the racers, it would all still be worth it.
It is because I’m finally (yes, after 27 years) fully understanding that this life isn’t about me. It isn’t about if I feel useful or if I see results. It is 100% about if I am walking with Christ and doing what He is asking me to do.
Being away from my friends and family for 9 months doesn’t feel good. Saying the hard truth and sometimes being rejected doesn’t feel good. Being sick and in bed for days at a time doesn’t feel good.
But honestly, leadership rarely feels good. (I know some of y’all can feel me on that.)
Jesus didn’t say to follow him so we could feel good. Does picking up your cross and denying yourself sound like it would feel good?
BUT He says if we will give up our life, that’s our own will, our desires, our feelings, then we will find our life in Him. If we choose to live our lives solely based on the fact that each day is a gift from Him and truly believing that obedience to Him and His glory are the only things that matter – that is when we will have full life.
How much more can we love people when we are focused on how much He loves us? How much more would we serve people if we are constantly remembering how much He has served us? How much less would we complain about suffering if we kept our eyes on the One who endured the wrath of God for us?
Humans are fickle. You are. I am. But Jesus isn’t. If you live your life for yourself or someone else, you will always be disappointed. If you live your life for the One who made you, life will still be hard, but you will have a reason to keep going.
