I want to talk about something I have struggled with for a majority of my race. And to be honest, it wasn’t something I even identified as a struggle until more than half way through this year.
When I began the World Race, I was introduced to a culture of what you may call Experiential or Charismatic Christianity. This year I have expanded my perspective on how the Holy Spirit moves among us. The race has helped me learn so much about spiritual gifts and what is looks like to utilize them. I have seen some of my squad mates use the gifts of speaking in tongues and others have the ability to interpret. I have also witnessed people falling out in the spirit or people being set free from demonic strong holds in their lives. This is a part of following Christ that, prior to the World Race, I had neither experienced nor heard much about.
This is one of the beautiful things about community on the race: having the opportunity to learn from people from all different backgrounds and churches and to get to see God move in new ways. But without realizing it, I began to feel like I was failing to reach a certain level of spirituality because I wasn’t demonstrating these different forms of supernatural experiences with God. Neither did I feel drawn to pursue it. I began to think something was wrong with me or that I was doing something wrong because I wasn’t having or desiring a relationship with God that was full of charismatic experiences.
I was asking myself questions like:
“Do I not have an intimate enough relationship with Jesus?”
“Am I seeking Him in the wrong ways?”
“Is this preventing me from being closer to Him?”
When month 7 of my Race arrived, I was already really struggling with these questions and doubting the strength of my relationship with God. Later in the month a few of my team members were involved in something called “performing a deliverance.” As you can imagine, this is considered a pretty heavy spiritual encounter. This is something I had not known much about with the exception of reading about it in scripture.
Although I was not directly involved, the experience of a “deliverance” happening around me rattled me and left me feeling frustrated because I was having trouble logically understanding the event. I was also frustrated because I couldn’t just accept this encounter as what I was being told it was… a deliverance. At the same time, feelings of anxiousness washed over me as all the how’s, what’s and why’s were flying around my mind and, if I am being honest, the whole situation left me feeling scared even though I wouldn’t have admitted it then.
In attempt to regain my footing with God and my team I prayed for comfort and direction to gain some clarity. I needed to find my own understanding of this subject; I needed to regain my balance in my faith. So I leaned on how I experience God the most: studying. I sought out scriptures offering explanations, listened to sermons, and sought out wisdom from pastors whom I value and respect.
It took a few weeks of studying and prayer, but I regained my footing. While I can’t tell you I have perfect understanding of the events of the supernatural, I do feel peace knowing my God has it covered.
It has taken me another couple months of processing and reflecting to realize that I’m not doing anything wrong or that if I don’t have a charismatic encounter with Christ it does not mean that I’m not growing in my faith.
I experience God by studying His ways, through the way my heart fills up when I worship, in talking and writing to Him, and the sweet, quiet ways He talks to me.
I want future racers to know this: you may learn while on the field that you’re the type of person who experiences God in the more subtle ways or you might have more “charismatic” encounters with Him. Maybe you have both. Whatever it is, make sure to celebrate that is how God made you and it’s amazing. Don’t wait until month 10 of your race to finally realize your relationship with Him doesn’t have to look like someone else’s for it be to intimate and beautiful. Just be you.
