…
In all of those moments I had to surrender, I had to let go of the obvious lie that I was the common denominator between all of my friends leaving the race. In those moments I had to bare those ugly thoughts I was having and allow Abba Father to pick me up and allow my community to surround me. That month in Guatemala when everything was said and done, and I stopped pretending like I wasn’t fazed by all that had taken place; I had to let myself feel…
Feel the sadness of my friends leaving.
Feel the hurt from not getting a goodbye.
Feel bummed because I only got a few weeks on her team.
Feel frustrated because I gave a lot of me those first few months, only to be left behind.
and finally…
Feeling relieved because the truth is that in the end there is nothing that I could have done or said to have kept any of them here, that I loved them the best I could and it was good enough for Him.
So as I sit here now it’s month 8 in the Philippines, and I would be lying if I said I am happy they aren’t here, because that is far from the truth. I wish that they could have experienced this whole thing, all 11 months. I would have loved if they could be in the Philippines with our whole squad eating lumpia, holding adorable Filipino babies, and jumping into the pool.
But they aren’t and because of that I have grown in a different way than I would have if they were here. I have experienced different styles of worship, gotten closer with other people on the squad, loved in different ways, been loved in different ways.
Them leaving had no lasting impact on my walk with the Lord, it didn’t turn my identity upside down, but it made me feel. Accepting that I don’t do well with people leaving, and acknowledging that I am usually the one to go first so then I am not the one left behind. So when they left I had to go and sit at Abba Father’s feet and rest in His presence.
God used them leaving not only as a teaching moment but an opportunity to grow closer to him, and to trust that He won’t leave. To move into healing of why I freak out when drastic change happens like that, to heal from old wounds from family members and friends who decided to leave. We don’t recognize where we need healing until something drastic happens, and through them leaving had little to do with me I think God used their choices/ situations to move me more in that direction.
The World Race is an 11th month mission trip, and for their own reasons some people don’t stick it out to the end, they choose to leave, they have to leave, or there is another plan. And when this has happened I have heard people, some even on my squad say some not so nice things about those people. I would like to remind those people with loud opinions that they are in the same family you are. That by them leaving that are not ruining your life, the fact of the matter is that it really doesn’t have much to do with you. That whether they have chosen to stay or leave the Lord is still going to move in miraculous ways, and that if you believe that by the choices they make God can’t move you need reevaluate the way you view God. Because the God I serve, is that God that turns all things to good, the God that loves through every choice we make, the God who makes beautiful things out of dirt.
A prayer For those who have left the race!
I pray that you walk with your head high, that you don’t feel any shame for not still being on the race. That your understand that by this simple act that you are not going to single handedly bring down the Kingdom of God. I pray that as you enter back into your communities that you are overwhelmed with love and support from those at home and those still on the field. I pray that every morning you wake up and remember that they journey has not ended because you are no longer on the world race, but you walk confidently and boldly in your inheritance. No matter where you are and what you’re doing, He has still chosen to use you.
Amen
