I didn’t want to write this blog.
I kept avoiding it. I would start writing and each time I would let distractions take me away from it. My flesh is even fighting my spirit about writing about this topic:
spirit vs. flesh.
Something God has been walking me through all year, but especially these last few weeks is denying my flesh and dying to myself.
The past month was a battle.
It was messy. It was real. And one of the hardest ones so far.
No one told me about how much of a challenge it would be to be claustrophobic and on the race. Countless times of squeezing way too many people into small cars and small spaces.
I can still function in it and get through it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not praying and cringing the whole way through.
Anyway.
This past month our team of 7 shared a small room. We all slept on our sleeping pads and it was very CLOSE quarters. We were living with a family of 6 and they had 14 dogs. Alone time wasn’t really an option.
My introverted half was struggling.
My spirit, on the other hand, was PUMPED to be there. Pumped to be on month 10. Excited to get involved and make new friends. I knew that we were there for a reason. I knew my specific purpose there. I was hearing the Lord speak more clearly than ever before. I was growing. And I loved/love our hosts! I asked for a month that would be hard to leave and I could tell from day one when I met them that it would be. I could tell I would LOVE them so much.
My flesh said NO. Heck no.
I was scared. I was tired. I feeling claustrophobic. I couldn’t sleep some nights because I just needed some space. I wanted so much more alone time. I wanted a place to process. I wanted to be in control. I wanted my squad leader team around so I could freely process with them. I wanted to choose my own schedule, my own food, my own transportation. I missed my family. I missed everything.
Ugh, vulnerability. But yeah, that’s the ugly truth of where I was with that.
Each day I would have this battle of my flesh vs. spirit. I knew in my heart how great it was that I was there but my flesh was weak.
But in that weakness…God showed up!
He gave me eyes to see people like he does. He gave me strength.
I was able to relate to people in ways I never thought. I was able to talk and empathize with people because of specific things I’ve been through.
I was able to have spiritual breakthroughs that I’d been waiting for the whole race.
Each time I chose to die to myself and to follow my calling, God met me there. He does everytime.
“So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want”.
Galatians 5:16-17
It’s month 11 now. I’m in a place where I can put myself aside, put Him first and hear him clearly. I’m grateful for the road that got me to this place. One of the best things I’ve learned this year. Physically and spiritually. And I can’t believe this race and season in life is coming to an end soon.
Flesh…you lose.
I choose you, Jesus.
