One of my current favorite songs is, “Nothing I Hold Onto” by United Pursuit Band. I love to sing all the words out, “Loud and proud.” I really desire to mean them not just in my head in theory, but in my heart. But truth is at the end of the day there are still things I hold onto.
How ‘bout you?
During month nine, our contact sat us down to talk about culture and perspectives. He told us that as missionaries he expects us to let go of our American culture and assimilate into Tanzanian culture. That we need to fully embrace, because if we don’t we might miss out on something. He asked us to think about what we are holding onto from our American culture, what we aren’t willing to let go of.
It really had me thinking…
What is God’s culture?
What am I, what are we holding onto from “Our” way of life that is inhibiting us from emerging ourselves into the kingdom and God’s way of life? Into bring the kingdom to Earth? Into living a kingdom life?
Here are a few that I came up with from my life;
1. My expectations. I continually realize expectations that I have that I didn’t realize I had. That’s the funny thing about expectations; you often don’t realize you have them until they aren’t being met. What I have resolved is that you can’t let what you expect weigh you down. It can keep you from what God might want you to experience.
I had a conversation with God at the end of month eight that looked like this: “Lord, I really wanted to grow in being more in tune to your spirit this year. I really want to hear your voice more clearly.”
I felt like the Lord responded with, “You have grown in both those areas.”
“Lord, but I don’t think so,” I said.
“That’s because it doesn’t look like how you envision it to look.”
If we cling to what we think things should look like we are not allowing God to teach us, grow us, and reveal truth to us in that moment.
2. Fear is another thing that’s sneaks up on me and not in the same way that it has in the past. I have found on the race that it is the fear of not having enough, not being prepared or provided for. I didn’t realize that this was the case, except every month I seem to go into starvation mode and think I am a bear hibernating for winter.
This concept reminds me of the Israelites. The Lord would give them just enough manna every day, but they would try to store up extra.
Why do we feel the need to store up more then we need. I have been asking myself this lately. I am starting month 11 and I am wondering have I been storing up to much. Is it like running, have I saved too much for the end or have I gone all out? What does it look like to give everything I have all out everyday?
3. PDA, Public displays of affection are really not my style. The middle school girl in me comes out and I get a little awkward when people are kissing in public. I have always felt that people should save their love for each other for more private areas. Somehow this has carried over into my relationship with God. I want many things about our relationship to be private. For years I would not raise my hands in worship, in my pockets they would go and there they would stay. For years I kept my relationship with the Lord a secret.
But God wants PDA. We can go “Buck wild,” if you will, “hoot “and “hollering” at our favorite sports teams, or favorite bands, but we can’t publically express our gratitude or love for the one who died for us. Who gifted us life.
I was confused about my intimacy with the Lord. He wants to court us; he wants us to receive the invitation and go with him to the middle of the dance floor and do the father/daughter dance. He wants to present us as chosen to his son, Jesus. He wants to write these encounters with him on our hearts. He meets us in shared experience. This may all seem a little illustrative and hard to grasp, this is how I have come to experience it this year. It’s hard to find words to convey. Moral of the story is, God wants our public displays of affection, so let’s not hold back from PDA with the Lord.
4. Here’s one that I think is more common then people care to admit. In month seven I realized marriage was an idol in my life. I am apart of what I like to call the “Fairytale Generation.” I grew up with Disney: with “Beauty and the Beast,” with “The Little Mermaid,” “Lady and the Tramp.” I grew up and moved on to movies such as “10 Things I Hate About You” or “She’s All That,” the unlikely girl always gets pursued by her “Prince Charming.”
Every other movie is a “RomCom,” a “Chickflick.” The things that we watch infiltrate our mind. I grew up believing that my prince charming was coming for me and that I was going to have my “Happily Ever After.” I think part of me believed that marriage was when it all really started. I think I saw it naively as a fix, that everything would always be roses and happiness.
(Please don’t get me wrong I have not become a man-hating feminist and I still believe in marriage and want to get married someday, I just knocked it off the pedestal.)
Whatever we want with all my heart, other then the Lord, is an idol. I believe marriage is designed so we can realize just how much God loves us and desires intimacy with us. Marriage is also compromise and intentionality, on this journey it is like I am married to 5 other people. I will still have my junk when I get married, I will have to find a balance between my load and sharing another’s burden.
5. Here’s the last one I will share about for today; Pride. Pride has become my archenemy. I battle pride every day. I really didn’t realize what a prideful being I was. I can be stubborn and independent. I rationalize, I defend, I battle the Holy Spirit, I end up in standoffs with the Lord.
I have found that when we come before the Lord in surrender that is when there is growth.
It is when we are able to exercise true humility and admit our faults, confess our sins and have the harder conversations that we allow a window for God to move.
Well there you have it, there are some of the things I hold onto. I try everyday to bring them to the alter and lay them at the feet of Jesus.
I have this theory, we all have our junk, we will always have our junk, but when we take a step forward into the uncomfortable we are dying to something. The uncomfortable doesn’t feel very good, but again I think it allows God to move, I think that when we step into the uncomfortable we are actually living “Less of us and more of him. “
My friend Lonny gave a talk last weekend. She said; “We are like clean puppies; every day we wake up and we are clean just washed puppies, but so often we go running back outside to the mud to the dirt. We do this because the dirt is fun, it is familiar, and it is comfortable.”
We cling to what is comfortable; we hang onto what we know. We hang on to the culture we have created for ourselves, but what if…
What if we let God rewrite what we know about culture?
