Sometimes we need to know where we have been in order to go forward…
Everyone has a story, here is the gist of mine…
I grew up in a small town on the South Shore of Massachusetts. I went to church pretty much every Sunday with my parents. I loved Sunday school, but didn’t get much out of the sermons. I would make friendship bracelets, draw comic strip pictures about “Baseball dog,” count how many times the pastor said "Lord" or any variation of "God" in the 15 minute long prayers. Church was daunting. I went to youth group, but never really felt like I belonged. My sophomore year of high school our youth pastor left and we were kind of passed around. We would manipulate the conversation with who ever was leading that night and basically just hang out; by senior year I was over it. I felt judged and never blended into the church clique. I was more interested in my friends then my family by this point anyways.
I went off to college to experience "The World” and live outside of what I considered a “Bubble.” The first few years of college I would say I was a pretty fun drunk. I was pretty crazy sober to be honest. The more I amerced myself into the world I was living in the less I felt alive. I think it was guilt and shame. I slowly started to die on the inside and if I seemed happy on the outside it was the booze or an act. I was afraid that I had lost this joy that I once felt.
When I graduated college I decided that I wanted to experience God in a real way. I decided there had to be more then this life I was living or escaping. I chose a church that isn't about religion, but more about your individual relationship with Jesus and encouraging you in your pursuit of God.
Life was hard: I was struggling with a new job, living at home, some family deaths, and my identity. I didn't know who I was and I felt like I was living this double life: my Sunday self and my every other day self. I wanted to be better, but wasn't really sure what that looked like.
By nature I want to control everything, I am a perfectionist for sure and I have high expectations, not only for myself, but my students, and if I am honest, probably everyone around me. I had a lot of fear associated with the unknown or unexpected because those were things I couldn't control. I was also a “People Pleaser,” I would get anxious at the mere thought of someone being mad at me.
One Saturday afternoon I went to a class at church called, “The Steps to Freedom,” the class was based off a book written by Neil Anderson. I realized I needed to let go of a lot of things. I had “Soul Wounds" from friends or people from my past. I needed to forgive them, pray blessings for them, and ask God to heal those situations in my life. I also realized that in life we have a lot of pains and "regrets" that we need to grieve through. I went through this grieving process and asked God to walk with me in those places of pain and bring me to a place of healing.
When I pray I try to be real with God and talk to him like a friend. I am not completely there yet. Also I feel like for us to be friends there needs to be a 2-way conversation. I started to realize I was just talking at God all the time, I never even really thought that he might talk back to me.
Last June, I had met with a pastor from Church to talk about some stuff from my past and my fear issues and to pray about those things. Through that process I learned the importance of keeping things in the light and confessing things to God because when you leave things hidden or try to hide things from God you create walls around yourself. You also leave yourself open for Satan’s lies. I walked away from that meeting with some freedom. I felt like I had a healing from the fear I had been wrestling with my whole life. It was actually amazing, for the first time in so long, my joy was genuine again.
Something that I do very well is "Busyness," I always did activities growing up and I think busyness became a coping mechanism I perfected in high school. I was always going somewhere or doing something. In July I was involved in a horrific car accident. I was broadsided by a landscaping truck which flipped me across an intersection. The entire accident was an out-of-body experience. I felt God's presence with me, I don't know how to explain it, but I had this supernatural peace, maybe I was in shock. I don't know, but I unbuckled myself and plowed my way out of that wreck. I walked away from the accident with a minor concussion and a bruise from the seat belt. This accident was a wake up call for me and I was grateful to be alive.
I continued my pursuit for more of God. All the while I was still struggling with faith and some unbelief to be honest. I felt like I kept asking God to speak to me, but yet I was never quiet and still long enough to actually hear anything. In August, I went to Alabama to help with tornado relief. You can read more about it here, http://alabama.myadventures.org/, but here is the biggest part for me;
While I was on the trip I prayed, I told God that I really wanted to hear from him. I asked God to give me faith that could move a mountain. On the last day of my trip I went out with my friend Emily and on the way to our work site something funny happened. We ended up somewhere totally different. I ended up on a road I hadn’t been on before, I didn’t know where I was going and I didn’t know how to get back to where I came from. The weirdest part was it all felt right. I had a peace about the whole situation. So we just kept praying in the car. One thing led to another and I ended up parking on a side road near some electrical lines and some damaged houses.
My friend Emily and myself were walking through someone’s backyard to get where we were going and we asked God for a sign we were on the right track. As we were walking a woman appeared on the porch, we said, “Hello and asked if we could walk around her land, we also asked her name.” Her name was Grace and in that moment we felt like that was a sign we were on the right track. On our trek we met Spencer; Spencer lived right behind Miss Grace. The tornado had picked his house up off the ground “Wizard of oz style” and threw it like 12 feet forward where it fell into a pile of rubble.
After we left Spencer’s house we decided we would go back and visit with Miss Grace. I don’t know why, but we were drawn to her. On the walk to her house, Emily and I were joking around about missing lunch and needing a snack. So Emily prayed that Miss Grace would give us a cookie because wouldn’t that be great.
We walked into Miss Grace’s house and sat down like we were old friends. When we sat down in her living room there was an open bible on the table so we relaxed a little bit more. We started talking to Miss Grace asking her about the tornado and she casually said, “Oh that silly thing, I rebuked that.” We were interested so we asked her to go on. She told us how the day of the tornados she just knew it was coming her way so she kept pacing back and forth to her back window. Then she saw it coming over the field almost a mile wide. She described the scene; her on her back porch, things blowing all over the place, dirt and mud spraying all over her and there she was this 80 something lady with her hands raised to the heavens yelling, “ in the name of Jesus I rebuke this tornado and cast it to the pit of hell. I command you tornado to rise up and go over my house in the name of Jesus” and it did. It rose up and went over her house.
What do you think I was thinking, “Wow what a great story, that’s amazing, nope I was struggling again, I thought what a quack. Then I started to pray, “Lord who am I to judge this lady, forgive me of my unbelief again, forgive me for judging her, and forgive me of my pride.” I was so caught up in my inner thoughts and prayers I missed it when Miss Grace got up. She turned back on her way to the kitchen and said, “Hey do ya’ll want a cookie?” In that moment I literally fell out of my chair it was a cross between laughing and crying. I could not believe it. We asked God for a cookie on the way to Miss Graces, something so little, and he gave that to us. Here I was listening to this woman telling us this story about faith, faith that could rebuke a tornado and take authority over it in the name of Jesus, faith that literally could move a mountain and I was still questioning. With a simple question it was like God said, “Leanne really are you going to doubt me, I got you.” Seriously what are the odds that I would get lost and end up on the couch of a woman who asked a tornado to go over her house in the name of Jesus on the same day I asked for God for more faith, for my roots to be deepened? It’s not a coincidence; God gave me this day as a special gift. Miss Grace told me, “Sweetie you just need to thank God like it’s already done.”
So after Alabama I was charged up. I was on fire for God and really just wanted to keep seeking him. I feel like the more I seek the more I find. I feel like I am getting better at being aware of God moving in my life. I have not heard God speak to me in an actual voice, but I do think God speaks to me and is leading me.
As far as the world race goes, it was always something that I wanted to do. I just never had the 'Guts" to follow through especially because of my fear issues. I started to pray about it pretty heavily in September and told God I really needed clarity and to be sure. So in December I was at a praise night at church and after we got into groups to pray for each other. I had not told anyone really about this trip, not even my parents; I mean I would indirectly make comments to them. So people were praying over me and someone said, "Leanne I have this image of you, I don't know what it means, I see you coming out of a mud hut and its raining and you are smiling." As he was walking away he turned and said, "Oh and I see the Sydney Opera House" Do those mean anything to you. It was the confirmation I needed. I applied for the race the next day and took a leap of faith.
Now I feel like I am at a place where I am not sure what tomorrow will bring. I have days where I feel oppression and darkness. I have days of frustration and hardship. I have days where it would be easy to give up. I have days where I sitll struggle with my identity. I have days where I look for validation in my work or in how my other people see me. But I'm trying to say “Yes” to God each day and let him take the reins. I'm trying to be better not bitter. I am also trying to dive in, read my bible, and walk this walk, as scary as it can be some days.
Sorry this really got lengthy.
