Fear has been something that has crippled me my entire life. I wrestled with irrational fears for 25 years.
The first memory I have of being afraid was when I was 3 or 4. I got lost at the mall with my mom. She was in the back of the display and I was in the front, when I couldn’t see her I freaked out. Someone women led me to a service desk. In that moment Satan gain ground in my life.
I remember one summer where I never wanted to leave the porch because I had an irrational fear of rabies.
I cried through sleep-away camp because of my fear of not being able to sleep.
I would fear the return of Christ, I remember once being in the movies with some friends and being consumed with the thoughts “What if Jesus came back right now?”
As I got older television enhanced my fears. Too many Law and Order SVU episodes had me suffering from fear of rape.
I would be too afraid to go for a run around my neighborhood and would run from my car to the front door of my house if I came home after dark.
In college, I backed out of a summer studying in Spain.
I had fear in conversations with people, fear of rejection, fear of men, fear of the unexpected and fear of missing out.
Fear was paralyzing and I let it dictate my life. I would limit myself by my emotions and could not push past the fear.
Jesus won the battle on this one two years ago and the Lord freed me of the bondage that suffocated me. However, since fear was my old life, it has unfortunately become my default, something that is comfortable.
When something is unexpected, I go back to that place, and Jesus has to gently remind me that I do not wear fear, it is not a spirit of him.
The last several weeks I have been battling with my old friend fear. I believe I have said this before, but I acknowledge fear as a mask for control. I try and keep myself composed and in control. Essentially though the control quenches the spirit.
In Nepal my team along with two other teams boarded jeeps to head up 6000 ft to a remote mountain top village. My team was packed into a jeep made to comfortably fit 12. We had 16 in the jeep and 2 on top. We carved through mountain trails on the outskirts of the mountain in the rain. The roads were dirty, muddy, and large ruts filled every turn, we were in essence off-roading.
Every curve and bump sent the jeep swaying in one direction or another. We had to stop in some places to dig up the road in order to pass through.
I found myself stationed in the row without a door, without a means for escape sitting beside 3 other teammates. I felt suffocated and fearful. I was trying to relax and trust the Lord, but thinking tragedy occurs everyday. I had no control of the outcome of this situation.
As we continued our trek up, a trek that would take 13 hours because of the weather and a broken axle, I found myself wrestling again with fear. I was bogged down with guilt and shame because I felt like fear and Satan had yet again found a foothold in my life.
