I will preface this by saying this is something I have zero desire to blog about or share with the world, but because the lord has put it on my heart and asked me to I will…
The American society is consumed with weight loss. We live in an oversized nation. I have never struggled with anorexia or bulimia, but I have been consumed with what I eat.
I have struggled with my body image for years. Its something that you very rarely hear me talk about, but that doesn't mean that it's not an internal battle.
Growing up, family would often make jokes about me being a linebacker, call me baby whale, or talk about how I've been cursed with so and so's bone structure. What would appear to be innocent jokes went right to my core. It skewed my self-image.
Growing up I always felt compared to other girls. This would lead to jealousy, guilt, anger, and bitterness. Society makes you feel like you need to be a stick. How often do you hear someone talking about how fat they are? It makes you feel like a failure, like you can’t be what you should be.
In high school I overcompensated with my self-image with clothes. I strove to always wear the best outfits. I also maintained a decent weight by being active.
In college my life consisted of naps, lots of drinking, and late night eating. My body exploded. I hated the way I looked, I would avoid mirrors at all cost and there are very few pictures I enjoy from that time period. There was a term DUFF that I believed was attached to me. (Designated ugly fat friend)
After college began the depression phase. It was then that I really struggled with self-hatred, I hated the way I looked and what's worse I hated the way I acted. I was so angry with myself for my body, it made me feel unworthy, unlovable, and like a failure. These feelings lead me to lash out at others and to act out of anger.
I began to take control of my eating habits and start working out. I am very aware of what I put in my body at all times, there's a level of guilt that rises with eating certain food. I was super self conscious about eating in front of others. This past year I have lost some weight and this has been the topic of much conversation.
It bothered me because comments about weight loss make me again feel not good enough. People would tell me I looked nice or pretty or whatever and I could not receive it. I thought, they are just saying it. I had to ask the hard question, “Why am I reacting this way?” I had to deal with and attack the roots.
I spent time in prayer about the issues and confessed my self-hatred as a sin. The Lord really convicted me of not loving his creation. He knitted me together in the womb, he made me unique and in his image. I am a bold, strong, and mighty woman of God and he has blessed me. I began declaring truths over my life and slowly the way I thought began to shift.
My heart also began to shift through this mind change. I started the process of loving myself. I started to walk into the person that God created me to be. This past year was the first time I looked in the mirror and thought I was beautiful in a really long time.
Well here I am in Malaysia…
Where I have worked out very little and ate more then my share of food and those lies and insecurities are coming to life again.
But this time I am saying “No” to Satan and “Yes” to God.
God is currently stripping me of the lies I believe about myself because of the world. It is not always roses and rainbows and I am learning that that is okay. That it is okay to not be okay. I believe the Lord is going to redefine beautiful and fill me with what he wants me to believe. He wants to remind me who I am and let me rest in him, where I can be completely comfortable.
