A friend of mine asked me this week: “Do you ever ask God what makes you special instead of praying change for yourself?”
My answer: “No, not really.”
I feel this pressure to grow and change and be a better version of myself constantly.
I am never just still and content with where I am.
I have been wondering:
Why am I like this?
Am I overcompensating?
Are there roots?
Because let’s be honest… I just can’t take the pressure.
I always want to die to something:
I want to die to my pride, my control, and my attitude of entitlement.
I want to die to my insecurities, fears, over-thinking, expectations, and standards.
I want to die to comparison, roots of rejection, performance crap, and perfectionism.
I always expect perfection from myself:
I want to excel at whatever I do.
I want to be a great Christian, a profound blogger.
I want to be scholarly and read book after book.
I want to be insightful.
I want to be the best friend; super funny, loving, and encouraging.
I want to be the best at whatever job I am given.
Someday I want to be a bomb girlfriend, a fabulous wife, and the best mother ever.
I always want something to shift in my walk:
I want to see today as today.
I want to feel in my heart everything I say and everything I pray.
I want to be comfortable with how I feel and decisions I make.
I want God to work through me.
I want to not care what others think.
I want to know what it is like to be still with God.
I want to be satisfied with affirmation from God instead of people.
I want to just smile and know what it’s like to be bff with Jesus.
I want the Holy Spirit to counsel me and to hear God’s voice more clearly.
I want to be okay with not being okay wherever I am on this journey. I want to relax and know it is a marathon not a sprint.
I have really high standards and expectations for myself, they are extraneous really, no one puts them on me, but me.
Don’t get me wrong some of these things are great to want, but it’s all about the mentality behind obtaining them… I want them yesterday.
I am stuck in a state of striving.
Truth is I don’t have to take the pressure, but why am I still sitting in it?
I think things are always easier said then done.
My friend went on to say, “Don’t get me wrong we all need to grow, but we all need to love ourselves where we are. How can we expect to understand how God can love us where we are, if we can’t love ourselves? We need to love the good and the bad, the strengths and the weaknesses, everything that makes us his child.”
I am Leanne Elizabeth LeBlanc:
God’s beloved daughter, Co-heir to the kingdom of Heaven with Christ, and the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the grave, lives inside me.
I make mistakes.
I cry and get a little messy.
I don't alway think of others before myself, but…
My answer: “No, not really.”
I feel this pressure to grow and change and be a better version of myself constantly.
I am never just still and content with where I am.
I have been wondering:
Why am I like this?
Am I overcompensating?
Are there roots?
Because let’s be honest… I just can’t take the pressure.
I always want to die to something:
I want to die to my pride, my control, and my attitude of entitlement.
I want to die to my insecurities, fears, over-thinking, expectations, and standards.
I want to die to comparison, roots of rejection, performance crap, and perfectionism.
I always expect perfection from myself:
I want to excel at whatever I do.
I want to be a great Christian, a profound blogger.
I want to be scholarly and read book after book.
I want to be insightful.
I want to be the best friend; super funny, loving, and encouraging.
I want to be the best at whatever job I am given.
Someday I want to be a bomb girlfriend, a fabulous wife, and the best mother ever.
I always want something to shift in my walk:
I want to see today as today.
I want to feel in my heart everything I say and everything I pray.
I want to be comfortable with how I feel and decisions I make.
I want God to work through me.
I want to not care what others think.
I want to know what it is like to be still with God.
I want to be satisfied with affirmation from God instead of people.
I want to just smile and know what it’s like to be bff with Jesus.
I want the Holy Spirit to counsel me and to hear God’s voice more clearly.
I want to be okay with not being okay wherever I am on this journey. I want to relax and know it is a marathon not a sprint.
I have really high standards and expectations for myself, they are extraneous really, no one puts them on me, but me.
Don’t get me wrong some of these things are great to want, but it’s all about the mentality behind obtaining them… I want them yesterday.
I am stuck in a state of striving.
Truth is I don’t have to take the pressure, but why am I still sitting in it?
I think things are always easier said then done.
My friend went on to say, “Don’t get me wrong we all need to grow, but we all need to love ourselves where we are. How can we expect to understand how God can love us where we are, if we can’t love ourselves? We need to love the good and the bad, the strengths and the weaknesses, everything that makes us his child.”
I am Leanne Elizabeth LeBlanc:
God’s beloved daughter, Co-heir to the kingdom of Heaven with Christ, and the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the grave, lives inside me.
I make mistakes.
I cry and get a little messy.
I don't alway think of others before myself, but…
I am saying yes to God everyday:
He will use my weaknesses as strengths
He will renew me.
He has plans for me.
Thank goodness his grace and mercies are new every day.
