It’s 2 A.M. I am sleeping between two women. Both are facing me, both are sound asleep, both are breathing quite heavily. They are asleep and I am not. I can’t decide which way to lie, either way I’m face to face with someone. This seems to be my nightly trend this month.
“Lord what are you trying to teach me? I can’t survive without sleep you know. Tomorrow is going to come quickly. I have to preach tomorrow, Lord.” Thus begins my conversation with the Lord as I create a pillow barricade around my head and try to fall back asleep.
I have never run the Boston Marathon, but I know that it, as is every other marathon, is 26.2 miles. In Boston, heartbreak hill is legendary. At mile 20 you hit it. You have given all you have for the last 19 miles and now the course has shifted. I can only imagine that at this point you feel every single sore molecule and morsel of your body and you are asking yourself why did I do this. You running up, up, up, you can’t see the top, and you can’t see the finish line.
I am at my mile marker 20. (Is it really month 7?)
If I am honest I am ready to go home.
I’m tired, so very tired.
I have no personal space.
I am uncomfortable.
I am being stretched.
I am irritable.
I am battling lies and insecurity.
I am having trouble mustering joy.
and then Hebrews 12:7-11 brought about a paradigm shift:
7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
No discipline is pleasant at the time, but painful…
I have hope.
I have faith.
I don’t actually want to go home: I just want comforts.
I have access to caffeine and the Holy Spirit is showing me how he works through me.
My team is starting to feel like a family.
I know that the Lord is refining and shaping me.
I really mean it when I pray, “I want to die to myself” and “I want to be content in any situation.”
God’s word is filled with truth and so alive to me right now.
A “Leanne Sandwich” can put a smile on my face pretty fast.
These days I am trying to get out of God’s way and let him do his thanga thanngg thang. I am trying to embrace. I am trying to just let God be my comforter, even if I have no idea what that actually looks like.
