The first week of November we had our first debrief. Debrief was a time to meet with our team, our squad leaders, and our coaches and talk about intimacy, community, and how emotionally safe we felt with our team. It was a time for realness. It was a time to process. It was a time where we were encouraged to press in and go deeper. Honestly my first response was go deeper? I think I’m about as deep as I know how to go.
On the race, life moves so quickly. We transition in and out of months pretty quickly. There isn’t always enough time to process through everything we have experienced, before we write a new chapter. (Hence me posting blogs weeks later)
We were challenged to process individually and as a team. I have come to terms with the fact that there are still umpteenth things I need to process, but here’s a mini recap slash blurb of my “process” “thus” far.
Month 1: The “Honeymoon.” There were expectations about what ministry was supposed to look like, what doing life with 6 other individuals would look like. I wanted everything to be comfortable; I wanted the transformation to occur yesterday. I went from having control, from a home where I created structure and routine, a place with dry bathroom floors and paper towels, a world where children sit in car seats and chicken feet are not a norm in my dinner dishes. I went from being busy all the time to having to rest, sit and figure out what I actually thought about things. I had to become comfortable with my opinions and I had to come to terms with not being okay and not having it together all the time.
Month 2: Let’s get real, brokenness set in, tears were a norm for me, the pressure was to shift from living life simultaneously to living life as the body. I realized I am a verbal processor, so thank you ENO time, actually I realized in Malaysia, but did a lot of processing down under. In Australia I struggled with a spirit of comparison. I also struggled with taking it one day at a time. Every morning I would wake up and rush the next 9 months away in my head before I would wrestle over surrender to the Lord and then get out of bed. I claimed daily that my prayers are powerful and effective. We lived on a compound that housed Aboriginal’s who were undergoing medical treatment. There was so much darkness on the compound. We would clean and work and just pray for an aroma of life and Jesus. We would ask the lord to open our eyes beyond the task. (I really need the lord to take my performance drive.)
Debrief: During debrief I received a tough word to be mindful of my heart and my motives. I was encouraged to make sure that in my excitement and joy that I’m not doing anything that would distract from bringing glory to the Lord. That was a tough word because I could own some of that and that grieved me. It is not my heart to take away from bringing glory to the Lord, but I could easily identify times where my actions were not glorifying to God, I also identified times where I used my emotions to push my own agenda. Again, thank you Jesus there is grace. I just want my heart to be pure.
Some conclusive “ish” thoughts: I am continuing to seek Gods heart and make sure I'm not seeking the gifts or power. I am continuing to identify areas of my walk that need to become heart knowledge.
During debrief God was really speaking to me about not always emulating a precedent. About letting go of my need to know what to expect or trying to hold or control things, but just going where he's ordained my steps and writing my own story.
I had this image of myself going to the bathroom in the middle of the night holding on to the wall and being cautious because it was dark. That's how I was approaching this season and the Lord showed me my headlamp is “ON” as long as I'm seeking him and trusting. He is illuminating my path.
So that is a small snid-bit of where my head has been the first two months. Currently I am walking out month four so stay tuned for Vietnam recaps and Cambodia fun!
