DISCLAIMER: This blog is most certainly longer then Weston advised and there is only 1 picture.
Four years ago I awoke from a dream very unsettled. I had dreamt that my “Bumpa” was going to die; that we only had four months left with him. It seemed ridiculous at the time, yes he was 90, but he was living alone and doing well. It was a wake up call if anything because my Bumpa did not know the lord. I remember telling my mom about it and we kind of dismissed the dream.
Four years ago I started my first year teaching. I had a substantially separate autism kindergarten class. It was consuming. I felt like I was barely staying afloat. Every decision I made was questioned. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I cried all the time.
Four years ago I was driving my normal route to work about four months after I had an unsettling dream during my first year of teaching when my phone rang. It was my mom on the line. She called to tell me that my grandfather had just passed away.
The last weeks of my grandfather’s life were some of the hardest to bear witness too. He was failing and often disoriented. I had the opportunity to talk to him about Jesus a couple times as did my mom, but I wasn’t sure if it went from his head to his heart. A week before he died, I changed the way I prayed. I said, “Lord, if he knows you take him.” When my grandfather died, the white elephant in the room was, “Did he know Jesus?” When I asked the lord; “Is he with you?” I felt a “Yes.” That’s all I can hold on to.
Four years ago I had the hardest “emotional” year of my life.
Four years later, I realize that this was the icing on the cake to a rollarcoaster of emotions that I was done feeling.
When did it become wrong to show emotions? When did it become a “faux pa” to have feelings?
No one wanted to talk about emotions with me or maybe I didn't want to talk about emotions: it felt wrong to be sad, it felt wrong to be overwhelmed; it felt wrong to even think of the word depressed. It really just stunk …a lot.
I don’t know when the turning point was but I stopped feeling sad and started to feel angry.
I am home and I feel angry.
I feel angry that I feel angry.
I am angry that I have to work.
I am angry that I still have to fundraise.
I am angry that there is humidity and even my couch feels damp.
I am angry about dew.
I am angry that life goes on without me.
I am angry that my bedroom looks like a monsoon hit.
I am angry that my headphones won’t stay in my ears.
I am angry that I have to process so much.
This is how I was feeling on Monday night. Then I asked myself, “Leanne are you really angry?” “Is anger what you are truly feeling?”
The anger was a mask for grief.
True story… I am grieving
If this seems absolutely ridiculous to you, well your not alone it seems absolutely ridiculous to me too. What is there to grieve? No one died?
I am grieving the future I had planned for myself.
I am grieving the end of training camp.
I am grieving my control.
I am grieving change.
I am grieving the day to day life with my entire squad.
Please do not get me wrong here I am not going all “Whoa is me on you,” by any means. But I am sharing how I am embracing the truth that “We must grieve the partial losses of the past seasons of our life before we can effectively embrace the present and the future.” If we do not grieve we start to compartmentalize our lives and deaden our hearts.
Joy comes in the “Mourning” and it has been a long time since I have allowed myself to really feel, to have a soft non-sarcastic, “half jking” heart.
I am sensitive, more sensitive then I really want to admit. At training camp I was able to grieve, I was able to unhinge the reality that it hurts to feel. Sometimes emotions are awkward, messy, and uncomfortable, but with a floodgate of tears, I began to feel again.
God has given me ability to feel and for purpose. The things I feel allow me to pray more effectively for others. They allow me to love people better. I am not claiming to have this process down but I do resolve not to miss a moment of this new season of my life because I am quenching the spirit or not letting myself feel what I feel. For the lord has started something in me and I want to open myself up to let him continue to work in me.
*Thank you G-Funk for helping me to begin the processing #yourockmysocks and thank you Ron Walborn for the “Grieving through the seasons” talk…
