HOW ARE YOU?
A question that we hear often. A loaded question for me at the moment.
A question that has become a part of our greeting when you walk past someone in a store or the opener to a conversation over coffee. An important question.
When this question is asked it’s easy to just give a quick one word response that won’t bring up any follow up questions. That is what we have trained ourselves to do, but I really feel as though this question carries lots of weight. The past few years I have been working to make it a priority to be intentional when asking this question. I am trying to get in the habit of not just passing by people. I want to stop and hear them. I believe there is power when you ask someone how they are doing with the pure intention of knowing how they are actually doing. I don’t think we should ask this lightly, we should get to know their heart and who they are and vise versa. It doesn’t need to be complicated, it’s simply being genuine and caring for the hearts of others through a question that has been overlooked. Let us be people who ask honestly, and answer honestly.
With all that being said, I have been wrestling with this blog for close to three months now. I always got wrapped up in my own words and wanted to do it justice, but a few weeks ago the clarity came to me. I went for a drive and I was driving through my old neighborhood where I grew up, and it just kinda clicked for me. It was nothing profound, but here it is. In this blog I am simply going to be telling you how I am actually doing…
“Leanna, How are you?”
The World Race was an incredibly sweet season!! Dare I say the sweetest season!! I truly loved every second of it. It stretched me. It encouraged me. It challenged me. It opened my eyes. It completely transformed things in my life. I am so so so thankful for it!! I didn’t need the World Race to learn all that I did, but man I sure am thankful that the Lord brought me to it. Easily some of the best 7 months! It was just incredible!! I could talk about it for hours if someone would let me! 🙂
My time in Thailand was so special!! This is the place that I have been thinking about since day one when the routes were first announced and my mom was watching them being released while I was playing a volleyball game during my senior year of high school (She is a champ!!!!). My heart has been drawn to Thailand since September of last year. My dream has always been to step foot in Asia and that has been a consistent dream since the age of 12. Man, the butterflies and pure excitement that I felt when we landed in Thailand was unreal!! AND to make it even better…when I first arrived there I met up with my mom! YEAH YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT!!! she came and visited me in Thailand for a week and it was a literal dream come true!
After a phenomenal week with my mom, my team and I started to get into the ministry that was assigned to us for the rest of the month in Thailand. We had the privilege of working at a children’s home for Kids that have HIV/AIDS. It was a beautiful place with an amazing vision. Unfortunately, we were only given 3 days there and then we were told we were going home.
When it was announced that we were going to be sent home 2 and a half months early, my heart was shattered. My first response was anger. I was so upset. I couldn’t believe it. I felt like a failure because I wasn’t able to finish what I had started. I was fearful of what people were going to think or say to me when they saw me home 2 months early. I did not want to leave.
Now that I am home it has been SO weird. It is hard to put into words. I have felt every emotion. I was in complete denial when I first got here. I kept thinking that eventually I was going to be heading back on the race. I didn’t want to accept the fact that my World Race journey was over and the family that had been formed from the last 7 months were now miles away from me. I was waking up alone in my room, instead of having 5 other people there. There were no late night talks in our room, no more dance parties, no more team dinners, it was all over so quick. Being alone was weird. Then by day 3 everything hit me and it was a mess.
I felt deep sadness and disappointment. I couldn’t believe that I was actually home and not on the race. I missed every single thing about the race. I cried for days. I couldn’t stop feeling mad and bitter about the current situation of our world. I was overwhelmed with all the updates coming in each day. I felt stuck and I felt so isolated and overlooked. In all honesty, my heart became pretty hard. The first 2 and a half weeks back in MN were very challenging! It keeps sinking in a little bit deeper as the days continue.
In that moment during week one of reentry, I realized that I needed to grieve this. I was trying so hard to “get back to normal” when I forgot about my heart. I had so many feelings and emotions that had not been sorted through. My first action step after this realization was that I needed to unplug, so I deleted everything. I got rid of Instagram, snapchat, facebook, and I muted all text messages. I did not want to do this, but I knew I needed to. I didn’t want anything to be distracting me from refocusing. I spent the week of being unplugged seeking mentors, asking the Lord to reveal things in my heart, and resting in truth. I was given space to grieve and then process with the Lord. Some days were really good and some days were really hard.
The truth that was brought to me attention that I have been clinging to is that the Father is holding me. I am held. I am wrapped in His arms so tightly and so gently and I can stay there awhile. No one and nothing is telling me to rush out and leave His embrace. Even when I got frustrated with myself because I couldn’t shake a certain emotion and I’d wake up each morning for a week feeling the same thing. Then I would eventually feel the opposite emotion and I find myself so confused with what was going on. It’s hard & it’s okay that it’s hard. It’s a process and I needed to let it be a process. I was forcing myself to feel certain emotions that I simply wasn’t ready for. I kept telling the Lord “I’m not there yet. I’m not doing well and I don’t know how to get there.” In the midst of all the confusion of how I was really doing, I had placed a destination and a time limit on when I was supposed to be “perfect.” I had forgotten about the Lord’s amazing grace. I had been blinded to it. I had been impatient with myself and had placed insane amounts of pressure on myself to be a certain way. I found myself getting upset with my inconsistency. The Lord kindly reminded me that through His grace, I can slow down and take each day as its own and by doing that I was able to find peace in the inconsistency.
The reality of everything feeling the same about home, but I have changed so much and see things differently completely threw me off. I am still learning what it looks like to choose in to what the Lord has placed right in front of me.
I know, I know, It’s a lot. It’s been a lot. In all honesty, I would much rather just run away and not invite anyone in this journey with me, but I know that isolation is not of the Lord. That is what the old me would have done. Vulnerability and humility is hard, but always worth it. There is no shame in the mess, in the mud, or in the imperfections. The Lord will so graciously meet you right there and hold you.
I am thankful for the people that Lord has made available to me in this season of reentry. The people that have been intentional in listening and wise on granting encouragement to me. The people that have willingly met me where I was at each day. The people that have been here seeking understanding and always pointing me to look up and seek truth.
I have been home for about two months now and I am not perfect. I am still growing. I am still learning. Grateful for a Heavenly Father that takes me from glory to glory no matter what. He always has my yes.
With love & joy,
Leanna Murphy
