I have been on the journey of finding freedom in who I am for a few years now. On the race I have taken practical steps to reclaim my body as the Lord’s, and to reclaim my body as my own. Let me tell you…
I grew up in a Southern Baptist church and a small town in Kentucky. Tradition reigns. When I was 19 I really wanted to get my nose pierced. My family didn’t like the idea. They were worried about what church members would think, and if my college tuition would still be partially funded by the church. I was dissuaded. Five years later, the desire held strong. Coming on the race I knew I wanted to get my nose pierced. In Bangkok (beginning of month 3) the opportunity arose. I ran to a night market, paid $3 and got a piece of metal shoved in my nose by a really kind Thai woman. It was great. I have not had an ounce of regret!
I shared that I had gotten my nose pierced in this blog. There wasn’t too much of a crazy reaction, but some family members were concerned. My mom received messages of “What will Granny think?” My Granny told me that if I came back with a nose ring she would pull it out. Haha. But I know that she loves me and I don’t think there’s anything I could do to make her stop so I’m not too worried. But besides all that, it really doesn’t matter what Granny thinks about my nose ring. Or anyone. I decided I wanted it so I got it. I asked Jesus and he said that he’s okay with it.
So there’s that. Now please prepare yourself for what may be some shocking information.
I got a tattoo!
It happened in Cambodia. My teammate found a LEGIT artist in Siem Reap and we hit him up. Shout out to Lex Roulor! I had been thinking about getting it for a year or so and I decided that it was time. I am 25 years old. My body is a temple of the Living God. It is the temple he has entrusted to ME. Not you, not my Granny, not a church congregation, not our Christian culture. ME. This bird represents to me FREEDOM, WORSHIP, and the POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT IN ME. It is my monument to God.
Getting my nose pierced and getting my tattoo have sent me into an upward spiral of finding freedom in who I am. I have always struggled to love myself, especially to love the way God made me physically. I’ve been plagued by thoughts like “If I lost x amount of pounds then I’d be happy with myself,” “If I had clearer skin on my face then I wouldn’t need makeup,” “If I didn’t have these constant bags under my eyes maybe I’d be attractive.” Fill in the blank:
If not for ___________ maybe then I would be beautiful.
In middle school I started getting zits so I started covering them up with makeup. In high school I decided my hair was frizzy so I started taming it with product. I bought into the lies. The world told me, “Who you are is not good enough. You need to make yourself acceptable. Cover your imperfections.” So I did, everyday. I hid under a layer of makeup and a layer (sometimes 2 or 3 layers) of hair product.
UNTIL THE RACE. One day in month 3 I was lazy and didn’t put any product in my hair. Just as I was looking in the mirror thinking, “Crap what now?” Lindsay W walked by and said, “LeAnn! Your hair looks so good! You look so wild and free!” After she convinced me that she was being serious, I started thinking about her words “wild and free.” I realized that using hair products had kept me from freedom. That sounds a little dramatic but I literally used them to “tame” my hair. I thought, “I do not want to be tamed! I want to be wild and free!” So I started experimenting with going all-natural.
In October (month 4) I posted this on Instagram and Facebook. I felt a little silly but I knew that it was something I needed to declare to the world.
“For the first time since probably 7th grade I am going hair product free! It may not seem like a huge deal, but this is me embracing my natural self and rebuking the lie that I need beauty products or society to make myself beautiful. I feel wild and free! What better place to embrace going #allnatural than the #worldrace?#11n11 #leannontheloose“
People went cray-cray-bananas. I have never had more likes and comments on anything in my history of social media-ness. Not that that really matters, but I was shocked and overwhelmed at the support I received from others. I decided to make it a permanent change. In the beginning I really struggled sometimes. I had days that I thought my hair looked like a frizzy mess. I was always reassured by my teammates that this wasn’t the case. Its funny how other people see our beauty so much more clearly that we do.
It has been about 4 months and zero amount of hair product has touched my locks (dry shampoo does NOT count lol). This outward change is affecting me inwardly as well. About a month after the product purge Amanda told me, “this freedom in who you are is permeating every part of your being and its really beautiful to watch.” I am feeling more free than ever. I do not need anything from the world to make me acceptable, pretty or beautiful. I ALREADY AM! Not only am I 100% okay, I am more than okay. I am pretty and damn it I’m beautiful!
I am LeAnn. I have a tattoo. I have my nose pierced. I have wild curly hair. Sometimes I like to say cuss words. I am free. Jesus loves me. It doesn’t matter what Granny thinks about the nose ring.
If you’re curious about makeup, me and the Lord have had some conversations about it. To be honest I am still in a place where most mornings I feel like I need it. I know that’s not true. I have practiced going without it a couple days per month. Its still a struggle and I am usually pretty uncomfortable in my own skin on these days but I’m getting there folks. And just so we’re clear, I know that hair products and makeup are not evil and ungodly. Part of wearing makeup and doing your hair is just fun and there’s nothing wrong with that. I am working through the issue of feeling like I need these things. And that is a lie from the pits of hell. I have by no means reached my destination on this journey. I know that God still has a lot to show me in this area and I trust him to continue speaking into my life. So this is definitely to be continued.
GO AND BE FREE. love, LeAnn.
