Last night I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I tossed and turned for hours until exhaustion kicked in and I fell asleep, only to find myself in the middle of some of the worst nightmares I’ve ever had.
I woke up completely rattled. My head was spinning and I was on the verge of tears, and I had no clue why. Thinking about it, my dream didn’t seem that horrible – I was with a bunch of alumni World Racers, but instead of hanging out with H Squad, I spent all my time hanging out with everyone BUT them.
It took me a few minutes to realize why I counted it as a nightmare – I hadn’t just chosen to meet new people. While I was sleeping, all my friends, my H Squad family, had forgotten about me.
So when I woke up, I was immediately thrust deep into fear and anxiety. My body was shaking. I knew it was just a dream, but fear pulled me deep, telling me that everyone has already forgotten about me.
When I left for the Race, I had that fear. I worried for months that all my friends had forgotten about me, that life had moved on and I would have no one to go back to once the Race ended. [Obviously that fear was pretty ridiculous, because I’m currently in Colorado, after the Race, hanging out with all my friends.]
But now, preparing to leave again in just 10 days, the enemy brought this fear back up, violently and without my permission. And I was pissed.
I spent over an hour this morning curled up on my friends’ couch, crying and fighting the lies that were bubbling up. I knew it wasn’t truth. I knew it, and yet in the midst of fighting it felt like the real truth was slipping through my fingers.
I was exhausted, and I had just woken up. Worn down and suffocating under the weight that I couldn’t push off. I couldn’t fight it.
So I stopped fighting. In my anger, I simply stopped giving the enemy any satisfaction of seeing the lies wear me down, and I turned away from the fight.
It wasn’t exactly a conscious effort at first. At first I was just incredibly overwhelmed, so I turned on some United Pursuit and began doodling. But I was quickly pulled into the river of truth, where the Lord started speaking life over me. He reminded me who I am. He reminded me that I’m alive, and I’m full of Him, and He will never (ever ever) forget about me.
Two hours later, I wrote this in my journal:
“Instead of trying to fight the lies of the enemy, sometimes it’s just way easier to overwhelm the lies with the truth. Instead of battling, it’s easier (and way more productive) to just sing the truth. God’s promises don’t need to fight, their light simply overtakes and blots out the lies. They’re just that much more powerful. I already look at this morning and laugh. The Lord has promised life and passion, joy and childlike innocence. Don’t fight for them. They’re already inside me. I can just relax in Him and let it happen.”
I know my friends will not forget about me, just like I will not forget about them. The Lord has blessed me with such a wonderful community, the enemy wants to do anything to destroy it. Y’all, I’m just not about that.
I’m about community, and I’m about truth, and I’m about joy and passion and living a full life, full of Jesus. So I refuse to spend even one more minute giving the enemy the time of day.
Sometimes I’m so lost in the fight, so shaken by what the enemy is throwing at me, that I forget who already won. Sometimes all it takes to win each battle is to turn away from it, and run into victory’s arms.
