Do you trust me?
The words ran through my head as I opened my fundraising support account page.
Do you trust me?
Another $20 donation. Thank you Jesus.
Do you trust me?
I heard the words as I was journaling a few days ago, writing down and processing through the idea of home — the idea of being rooted somewhere; an idea I’ve been struggling with over the past few days.
Home.
I’m on the World Race. I’m living in Asia. I cannot be in America. I cannot currently settle down in a house, or bake in an oven, or sing hipster worship songs in a church without a translator. I cannot be rooted in the way I want to be.
Last week, these facts made me cry. I sat on a park bench and cried over America. I sat in a coffee shop and cried over being in Asia. I sat in a hostel room and cried over an oven.
I cried, and I sat with my friends, and I sat with the Lord. And the words came up again:
Do you trust me?
Everything in me wanted to skype my mom, and iMessage my best friends, and spend hours on Pinterest looking at pictures of mountains and wedding themes and desserts. I didn’t want to face the fact that I couldn’t have those things.
Instead, the Lord called me to fast Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Skype, and iMessage this month, and to be fully present here in Vietnam. He challenged me to run towards Him, instead of towards the comforts of home.
Which leads me to trust.
See, I had a plan. (Doesn’t it always start like that?) My final fundraising deadline for this whole trip is March 1st — $16,255. $3,274 from where I am right now.
My plan included spending the month of February emailing, facebooking, and just generally contacting people at home. I thought I would plead with friends and family, smile sweetly and ask for support. Instead, I started fasting.
And it didn’t take me long to realize that by fasting social media, I would have no contact with the very people I needed to ask to support me.
So I went to God very maturely, and said “This sucks. This isn’t fair.”
Ever kindly and rationally, He responded:
Do you trust me?
Well shoot. There it is again.
I have $3,274 to raise in 23 days. And since my plan is no longer a thing, I need to trust that God’s plan is better. It’s really hard to do…but it’s harder to try raising $3,274 on your own. Way easier to ask the Creator of the Universe to help you out.
I wish I could say that right now, I 100% trust God. But writing this blog, it’s clear that I don’t… I realize now that even writing this blog is a slight backhanded attempt to contact people without technically contacting them. But I’m working on it. Facebook remains untouched.
Meanwhile, in the mess of learning to trust, He’s revealing to me how good He is, even in Asia. How He provides good things for His children, even when we’re far away from “home.” How He’s giving me a million tries to keep trusting, even when I keep falling flat on my face. God is real good, friends.
Moral of the story: I need $3,274. But even more than that, I need trust.
This month, I’m believing that Jesus will provide me with both.
