You know what? I can’t do this.
Every step of this process has been next to impossible. Even the easy tasks have been- for one reason or another- so difficult. And every day. Every. Single. Day. There are certain feelings and thoughts I can’t escape.
This past week in particular has been very, very bad. I haven’t been feeling well. I broke things. I’ve forgotten important things.
What’s worse? don’t have tons of addresses to mail out my support letters. So I’ve been wondering if people don’t care about this mission trip. Mostly I wonder if people don’t believe I’m worth it. And I wouldn’t blame them.
And it all made me so angry. Everything went wrong. Everything. Absolutely everything.
I’d look at my World Race fund and believe that I’m not going on this race. Despite what God had said earlier this year, despite the last blog I wrote (“Never Trust the Truth”), I saw trouble and I was looking for a way out.
Could I back out? If I do, I wasted the last six months of my life. If I continue, I might not get the money. What if I don’t even make it to training camp?
I was so prideful in my anger. I could not stop thinking about myself. I could not stop thinking of how every step of the World Race process has been 20 times more difficult than I ever imagined.
As I waffled between giving up and keeping on (or just running away to Nebraska), I noticed donations increasing.
You might be thinking I’m going to say, “Yay! God answered my prayers. I must have done something right this week that God wants to make sure I go.”
Well, no. I didn’t pray this past week about fundraising. And I did nothing right. I did everything wrong. I was faithless and untrusting and bitter.
“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Cor. 12:9-10
So when everything goes wrong, I will be glad. When I have no strength left, I will be glad. So I will believe no matter what!
No matter what?
And then I realized just how stupid I’ve been.
“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Heb. 11:1
It’s not about the donations. It’s about believing in what the Lord said would happen. (Luke 1:45)
I can’t do this, but He can.
