"TO LOVE AT ALL IS TO BE VULNERABLE. LOVE ANYTHING, AND YOUR HEART WILL CERTAINLY BE WRUNG AND POSSIBLY BROKEN. IF YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE OF KEEPING IT INTACT, YOU MUST GIVE YOUR HEART TO NO ON, NOT EVEN TO AN ANIMAL. WRAP IT CAREFULLY WITH HOBBIES AND LITTLE LUXERIES; AVOID ALL ENTANGLEMENTS; LOCK IT UP SAFE IN THE CASKET OR COFFIN OF YOUR SELFISHNESS. BUT IN THAT CASKET- SAFE, DARK, MOTIONLESS, AIRLESS- IT WILL CHANGE. NO, IT WILL NOT BE BROKEN. INSTEAD IT WILL BECOME UNBREAKABLE, INPENETRABLE, IRREDEEMABLE."
-C.S. LEWIS
Up until a few weeks ago, if you would've asked me to tell you the biggest thing I've learned in my life so far, I'm pretty confident this is what I would say: I've learned to be strong. In fact…I kind of pride myself in it.
For example-
In college at the start of each soccer season, before we are ever allowed to touch a ball, we had to complete a dreaded, suck the life out of you, fitness test. But the thing is, unlike most of my teammates, I really didn't dread this test at all. I looked forward to it. It was actually one of my favorites times of the season. Why? Because I knew I was strong enough to finish on top. I knew that even if I felt weak, I would never show it.
I would push through it.
Being the oldest child in what wasn't exactly a fairytale home situation, I just kind of assumed that being strong was my responsibility. It didn't matter to me that I was the girl. In my eyes, my younger brothers needed to see strength and stability not fear, anger and tears. So, from a pretty young age, I started putting up walls around my heart. Holding in everything I really felt, and letting out only what was safe. I pretty much adopted this as my mentality for life. I mean…I thought it worked pretty great 🙂
Then one day during my senior year of high school my younger brother packed up 2 duffel bags, called it quits, and ran from home…shattering the already shaky foundations of my family. (Side note- God recently completely redeemed his life and he's absolutely one of my favorite people in the world. He's amazing.) But at the time, this only caused me to build my heart's walls higher and thicker. The way I saw it- my mom was the one who should be devestated, I guess that means its my job to be strong for her. And my youngest brother was still at home. I couldn't let the same thing happen to him too. Protection mode. Leah to the rescue! Ha…
Then a few months later I packed up all my things and headed off to college! It seemed like the perfect chance to leave the past 18 years at home and start a new life in Tyler Texas! I was dating the perfect guy, playing soccer, I was finally free and on my own! Oh gosh. If only I had thought to take the walls down and let the crap out before I left home…
Those next 4 years were amazing and awful all at the same time. I was blessed with an incredible team and some lifelong friendships. I spent those 4 years in a relationship with one of the most amazing guys I know. I led some more bible studies. I got involved in a church. I went on some great mission trips.
BUT in the end, I crashed.
For years I had put so much effort and value into being strong and independent thinking that was the best way to deal with things. When all it really led to was a severely hardened heart. I'm talking like…stone hard.
Hardened to sin. Harded to pain. Hardened to love. Hardened to compassion. Hard.
But for the most part people wouldn't really know that, because I had gotten so good at being whatever I thought I needed to be at that moment, that I didn't even know how to be real anymore. I could be whatever I needed to be at any given time. Not cool.
Pause. I just feel like I need to say- I LOVED college haha. I'm getting bummed out by my own blog! There was a whole lot of good in those years. I really did grow so so much. My friends (alot of who are probably reading this haha) are amazing. And God became real to me in that place. But looking back now, I can see so clearly all the things I missed. So many chances to go deeper, but instead I shut down. So many chances to be real with people and let God work in that, but instead I ran. So many times I sinned and felt absolutely nothing. So many opportunities for healing but instead I chose destruction. So many people begging for me to let them do life with me and help me, but I politely declined, excusing it off with my strong need for independence.
Finally, I think God just got tired of watching me mess things up so He decided just to take it all away haha. And that's exactly what He did last year. The Lord stripped me of absolutely everything…except for Himself. And even this veteran heart of stone couldn't handle it. Not saying I didnt try to…I totally did. I'm sure He just laughed at me!
But eventually there was a moment of surrender for me. It pretty much consisted of me telling God how mad I was that everything turned out like this and demanding that He fix it! I know that might sound ugly but I really think that's exactly the prayer God had been waiting to hear me say for years. 1- I was actually acknowledging that I felt something and 2- I couldn't fix it and He's the only One who could.
It was ugly, but it was very real. And that was a good start…
Fast foward through 2011, an amazing year of healing and grace and God cleaning up my mess, and now its October and I'm headed to WR Training Camp. Such an amazing week. But I can tell you that there were about 10 times in the first few days there when I wanted to quit and run out of that place. Seriously. Not because it was too cold (although it was freezing) And not because I was tired (although I was) And not because my pack was too heavy (even though it totally is!) But because these people wanted in to my heart! They loved me in ways I didnt understand and I couldn't fight the way that made me feel. You want me to live in what? Community? I realized real quick that in spite of everything God did in me over the last year, I still have these stupid walls up and my first reaction is still to shut down.
But the people actually weren't the big problem for me. The real problem came when we started talking about the Holy Spirit. All of the sudden left and right there's people everywhere around me surrendering to the Spirit and letting Him completely invade their hearts. Seriously- the presence of the Spirit was so thick and tangible in the room at that moment. I'll never forget it. But while everyone around me is soaking it in and lives are literally transforming before me…I feel like I'm suffocating. Now I understand and have truly experienced what it feels like for your flesh to be at war with the Spirit like it talks about in Galatians. For 2 days straight there was an intense war going on in and around me-
The Spirit was saying "Leah let me in…"
but my heart was saying "absolutely not. too risky."
The Spirit was saying "I'm good…I wont hurt you…I'm worth it."
but my heart was saying "I dont trust you."
Well…most of you know how this story ends 🙂 It ended with heart surgery. Don't ask me how. I have no explanation. But God freakin gave me a new heart that night. I can just feel it. The walls are gone. The tears are plenty these days but its so good. I can't imagine what it would've been like for me to go on this trip without experiencing that. I probably wouldn't have made it very far. Compassion on my own terms ran out pretty quick…my love only scratched the surface and it was usually pretty conditional…and that strength I took so much pride in? Turns out it wasn't really strength after all. It was actually my biggest weakness…
I'm pretty sure I'll always be known around the WR as heart transplant girl. But really…I'm ok with that 🙂
"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit inside you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." -Ezekiel 36:26
"how sweet all at once it was for me to be rid of those fruitless joys which I had once feared to lose. You drove them from me, you who are the true, sovereign joy." -st. augustine
Thanks Papa…
